I have a confession.  I'm a guilt-ridden mom.  I know this insanity has to stop, but I can't help it.  I'm conflicted.  Little One started camp today and I don't know how I feel about it.

I'm excited for her.  In fact, I'm super excited.  She gets to spend a few weeks this Summer hanging out with her cohorts, learning new things, and having fun.

The other part of me feels guilty about not letting her have an easy, restful Summer vacation.  After all, Summer vacation, as we all know is fleeting.  It goes by far too quickly and kids are only little for a short time.  Part of me contemplated letting Little One stay home this Summer and not having structured activities.  She could play outside, play on the trampoline, and we could go to the beach after I finish work.

Yes, I work from a home office, but I put in regular working hours.  The only difference is that I don't leave my house to go to my office.  I know it's a new concept for many and most people who don't work from home cannot comprehend that just because your office is in your home, you can't just take off or do what you want whenever you want.  To be honest, I find it's more of a juggling act to accommodate scheduling and activities. For this reason, it is so difficult for me to work when Little One is home during the day.  Summer camp has been a huge blessing.

The community's Summer Recreation Program is fantastic, and so reasonably priced!  $15 a week! $20 with field trip. You can't beat that!

This week, the kids have Outdoor Expedition Week. They'll be making terrariums, going on a fossil hunt on the beach, making homemade bird feeders, and even going on a field trip to Manitoulin Streams where they will be exploring habitats and creatures in the water.  Manitoulin Streams will be taking the kids on a "Stream Detective" workshop where the children will be netting aquatic bugs, building a bass spawning nest, and more.

Little One is very excited about the upcoming Hands-On Science week.  They'll be doing hands-on experiments, including making their own lava lamps out of an empty plastic bottle!

Despite the fact that I know Little One will have a great time, I only wish I could spend more of the Summer with her. She's only four years old.  When I was four, we didn't do any organized activities during the Summer. For us, Summer meant getting to sleep late, sleep in, hang out with our friends and  play all day. Summer meant freedom.  It was a break from school and just a time to relax and be kids.  I put Little One in Junior Kindergarten at three years of age and now Summer camp activities at four years old.  I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing.


Do your kids go to camp or Summer activities?  What's your take on this? Should kids just be kids and take it easy for the Summer or do you think they need organized activities?

There was a time when I used to blog for the love of blogging.  I moved to an island in the middle of one of the Great Lakes and needed an outlet to ward off isolation (though I was in love with the Island, I missed my loved ones) and to share my new life with my friends and family far away.

I blogged about my life on an island and in a small rural Northern Ontario town. Did you know that the Island is the world's largest fresh water lake island? The blog also served as a place where I planned my wedding details and asked readers for tips and advice. I asked about things like wedding etiquette, what kinds of bombonieres to give guests at our wedding, what kind of food to serve, music to play, etc. That was back in 2006. I had no idea that people other than my friends and family could read the blog until comments started filtering in.

Why would anyone other than my friends and family want to read a boring blog like mine?

All of a sudden, I had a core group of friends in the blogosphere whose blogs I frequented.  We commented on each other's blogs religiously.  We blogged for the love of blogging.  Things were different back then. I miss the daily banter between Ms.Mamma, JellyJules, Uncivil, Wisconsin Candy Dish, and Curiosity Killer.  The only one from that vintage who still corresponds via the blog regularly is CanineCologne.  Though I keep in touch with my old school bloggy friends, it's outside of the blog. Canine has actually visited us with her family twice in the past few years and is a regular fixture in our loves via email, phone calls, text messages and care packages.

Where was I?  Oh, right...

Then I ended up on complete bed rest for my high risk pregnancy, and to my surprise, blog friends around the world were watching, praying, giving me phone calls from California and New Zealand!  It's hard to describe the amazing friendships the blog brought me.  It was a community family that was built.  Genuine interest and genuine comments.

Little One catapulted herself into existence at 28 weeks gestation.  It the most difficult and the most terrifying time of my life.  Our life in the NICU lasted 72 days.  It was a long and challenging journey for us, yet she proved (and continues to prove) what a fighter she really is.

I had become a Mommy.

I was a Mom with a blog.  I guess by default, that made the blog a "Mom blog".  I blogged about life with a preemie, parenting, and everything under the sun.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.


All of a sudden, the blog morphed into something else.  It turned into a way I could supplement our family income.  I was able to put teaching English on the back burner because I was monetizing the blog.  I was shocked to see how the blog took on a life of its own.

There was a brief time a few years ago (I think Little One was two years old), when I wanted to shut down the blog.  I went on a brief hiatus.  It was turning into something that wasn't me.  I felt like I was losing my voice and losing the reason I started blogging in the first place.  Though the blog had been around since 2006, I didn't really start monetizing until 2009 and wasn't even seriously blogging until 2010.  That's when all the big opportunities started coming in.  The blog also became secondary to all the social media jobs I was getting as an offshoot of the blog.  My main job is with PTPA as their Social Media Community Manager on Twitter.  Had I not started a blog back in 2006, I wouldn't have opened up a Twitter account.  Had I not opened up a Twitter account, I would not have engaged and formed relationships like I did on Twitter.  Had I not done all of that, I wouldn't have been given the amazing jobs I am now happily working at.  It's almost dizzying to think of how one thing led to another and how so much has changed.

A girlfriend of mine shared her new blog with me and as I read, it was bitter sweet to me.  She recently moved to the Island and started her blog for pretty much the same reasons I did back in 2006.  Her blog posts made me smile.  Reading her posts made me wistful and nostalgic. That was me seven years ago.  Holy smokes! Seven years? That's crazy!

As I read my friend's blog, I remember a time when blogging was just blogging.  I remember a time when I blogged because I loved it.  I still love it, but sometimes I feel like the blogging world has turned blogs into something else.  It's not a bad thing - As long as we preserve our voice and continue to write about what we love and are passionate about.

I guess I just miss the older blogs where people used to visit and read each other's posts. I mean really read and comment.  Don't get me wrong.  I love each and every comment I receive and I adore my friends and readers.  There's a kinship I feel with those in my blogging community.  I do feel people who comment on the blog are genuine in their comments.  It's just that somewhere between the reviews and giveaways, and producing posts like you're a machine, I think we've lost something.  We may be gaining readers and followers, but part of me just misses the old school blog.

I love the blog and all it has given me.  It's an extension of me and something to keep for posterity.  It has given me so many incredible opportunities from ambassadorships and conferences, to sponsored posts and making fabulous friends (many of whom are not simply online friends, but in real life friends too). Feeling a little nostalgic and wistful tonight. Kind of miss the old school blogs.

Know what I'm sayin'?

End of rant.

Please show my friend, New Country Mama Manitoulin some love.  She's new around here. :)

It's no surprise that children learn from observation.  They watch our every move. They hear our words, despite sometimes having selective hearing.

In essence, we as parents really are our children's role models and their first teachers in life.  This is why how we behave in front of our children is so very important.  How we behave is a large part of what we teach our children is important.

I keep thinking of what kind of person I want to raise.  I hope to do my best to raise Little One as having her own ideas, but also knowing how to interact within society even if others don't agree with her ideas. I want her to be strong, but not pig-headed. I want her to be sensitive, but not a push-over. I want her to be compassionate, empathetic, understanding, loving, and I want her to know how to stand up for herself and what she believes in. I hope we raise someone who is considerate, and most of all, respectful to others.

This sounds a bit lofty, since she's only four years old.

I was just thinking of different scenarios and how to deal with them. For example, when someone slights you or spreads vicious rumours about you (these things happen in everyone's lifetime), do we teach our daughter to take the high road or stand up for herself and say something even if the repercussions may not be positive?

Is being quiet and ignoring other people's idle thoughts or malicious rumours the perfect revenge? One can very well say that just going on with your life and paying no attention to stupidity is the best thing to do. What about putting your foot down and getting your transgressors to tell you to your face what they didn't have the gumption to say to you directly in the first place? Do we teach our daughter to stand up for what is just and right?

I am still undecided on what to teach Little One regarding how to deal with people who have slighted her. For now, she's in Junior Kindergarten, and I'm hoping I have a few more years to figure out how to prepare her for the world around her.

In the meantime, I am reminded of this great quote:

Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” - Dale Carnegie

Right now, Little One is so good. She hasn't been jaded or tainted.  At this age, she's still a blank canvas, if you will. She's full of love and trust...and she believes everyone in the world has a kind heart.

Though I know we cannot protect our children from the world outside the home, we can certainly prepare them.

Wow. I know I've said this before, but parenting really is not for the faint of heart.

In the wake of the Newtown school shootings, I find myself crying a few times a day. I didn't know any of the families who lost their precious children. I didn't know the teachers and school staff who were killed. Does it really matter? All I know is that precious lives were taken. Lives that had just begun to flourish.

I heard the news on Friday afternoon when my social media partner sent me a BBM. I was in shock. My heart sank and I wanted to drive to school and pick up my four year old daughter. I just wanted to hold her. Forever.

It's Monday morning and I still cannot believe what happened just days ago. I wonder how people can go back to business again - so soon after the tragedy. I wonder how life can go on. Yet it must. So many lives are forever changed. How does one put the pieces back together after something like this happens?

Little One is only four years old and we haven't spoken to her about the shootings. She just turned four. Personally, I think she's too young to be told about this kind of sadness, gun laws, mental illness, etc. At the same time, I don't want her to be misinformed should she hear things from her peers. Then again, she's in Junior Kindergarten. Not sure if her peers will be aware of this anyway. Regardless, these are things that I think about as a parent.

Have you explained the shootings to your children? If so, how did you explain it to them? What did you tell them?

For tips on how to talk to your children about the school shootings in Newtown, CT, Alyson Schafer has a great post on the PTPA Blog.

The past few months have been fettered with highs and lows.  Lots of happiness and lots of sadness.  Incredible, heart-wrenching sadness.

For the most part, we've been plugging along and letting our busy daily lives consume us and help us temporarily forget the sense of loss and the pain we are all feeling.  Most days are tear-free because of just how busy we've been,

On Halloween, our friends were excited to give Little One this:
Along with heaps of Halloween treats, the couple gave Little One a twenty peso bill from the Philippines.  The gesture was so kind and thoughtful.  The conversion at current is 20.00 PHP = 0.48 CAD . It's amazing how far 20 Pesos can go in the Philippines though.

What happened after Little One received the twenty pesos from our friends was something I did not expect.

Little One broke down and cried.  "The Philippines! My great-lola is dead! I miss my great-lola!"

The weeping from my almost-four-year-old started to make me cry.

I was shocked that she was able to connect the Filipino pesos to our trip to the Philippines in May, and ultimately to the death of my grandmother.  Exactly how much does this little child know and understand about death?  It's incredible that she remembered all of that.

The fact that Little One reacted that way really struck me.  I see just how sensitive and sweet she is.  I'm just not sure how much is too much to talk to a not even four year old child about death and dying.

All Summer, Little One was anxiously awaiting the commencement of Junior Kindergarten.  She was SO excited to be going to school.

Week one, and she was really happy and loved school, her teacher, her friends, the bus ride, and being able to go off on her own like a big kid.

Week two, and everything went downhill.  She was afraid of the "big kids" and this fear of being hurt has become a big issue, as she doesn't want to go to school in the morning. Every morning, it's the same thing.  I wake her up with hugs and kisses, a Good Morning song that I came up with, and a "Ready to have a great day today?"

She pulls the cover over her head and cries, "I don't want to go to school!"  Then she pleads, "I just want to stay home with you, Mama! I won't bother you. I'll let you work."  Finally, the "But, the big kids will hurt me! I'm worried about the big kids!"

I console her and ensure her that she will be fine and that the big kids I know will watch out for her.  She is, after all, one of the youngest and tiniest kids in school, and everyone bigger than her is a "big kid" to her.

After tears and lots of pleading, she always agrees (reluctantly) to get dressed and ready for school, have breakfast and walk to the bus stop with Mom.  While at the bus stop, she always seems fine. She loves her bus driver and now she sits with one of the older girls at the back of the mini bus.  There are only eight kids on the bus when everyone is present.

When I pick her up at the bus stop after school, she's always full of big smiles and going on about how "School was SUPER FUN today! I had a really, really, really great time, Mom! We learned about butterflies and Monarchs go to MEXICO! My friend was looking for worms at recess, but she didn't find any, and..."

Help! Parents, any tips on dealing with children who don't want to go to school? The constant battle every morning, trying to convince her that all will be well every morning...it's so hard!

It was a day like any other.  The sunshine was streaming through my office window, the breeze blowing the curtains to and fro, and the birds chirping outside on a warm sunny day.

Rushing in the morning on an already hazy, humid mosquito filled morning, I could feel myself getting tense.  Little One was dawdling - stopping every few feet to pick up a white-headed dandelion (which she calls "giant wish flowers").  I scooped her up, put her in her car seat, hopped into the driver's seat, and drove up our lane way.

Little One: Mine too! Mine too! Mine too! (screaming, tears rolling down her cheeks)
Me: Oh, dear. Now what?!
Little One: (pulling at her seat belt straps) My seat belt! Mine too!!

At this moment I feel like the world's most horrible Mom. I never forget to buckle her into her car seat. NEVER!

It was one of those days.

Above photo taken a few months ago.  Please excuse the helmet. She takes car safety very seriously.  Either that, or she thinks my driving is absolutely horrible.

We started singing the entire score for Gilbert & Sullivan's The Gondoliers. Little One mentioned that she was thirsty.

Me: We left your sippy cup at ThatCoolTeacherMom's house. She's going to return it when she sees us next.
Little One: Mommy, where's my Princess p3nis?
Me: (in shock) Pardon me? Your what?
Little One: My. Princess. P3nis!
Me: Ohhhh! Your Princess THERMOS! (this is the second day in a row that she's called her Thermos a p3nis)
Little One: Why? Why is it not a p3nis?
Me: Honey, you know what a p3nis is. That stainless steel thing that keeps your drinks hot or cold is called a Thermos.
Little One: (laughing) What is a p3nis?
Me: Honey, you remember! What do girls have that boys don't have?
Little One: A vag!na.
Me: Boys have a ______?
Little One: P3nis!
Me: That's right.
Little One: What's a vag!na for?

(Urgh. She's only three years old. I think I'll just stick with the non-$exual functions of this part of the anatomy for now)

Me: Well, a vag!na is a part of the female body and you pee from there.
Little One: What's a p3nis for?
Me: (Haha! Oh, boy. Trouble!) Males - boys and men have them and when they pee, pee comes from there.
Little One: Mommy, and [insert Little One's real name here], and Lola have VAG!NAS!
Me: Yes. That's right, honey.
Little One: Daddy and [insert LO's friend's little brother's name here] and Grampy have P3NISES!
Me: That's correct. Oh! What does Chance (our dog) have?
Little One: (quietly thinking and then laughing) I don't know!
Me: Chance is a boy! He has a...
Little One: P3NIS!
Oh, the questions!

Little One is three years old and I explain things as openly and honestly to her in a way I feel is age-appropriate.  I know some people do not feel that proper anatomical terms are appropriate for children, but I do not believe calling girl parts "cupcake", "flower", "hooha", or "peach" and boy parts "turtle", "birdie", "lizard", or "wee wee" appropriate. Neither way is right or wrong...or better or worse.  For me, I'd just like Little One to know the proper names of things.

We've got bodily functions down. Let's hope the $ex questions don't come for another few years.

Our three year old has got the craziest hair I have ever seen.  Do you remember reading Mr. Mugs  when you were in elementary school?  Well, her hairdo reminds me of Mr. Mugs. No matter what we do, her hair is always in her face.
The resemblance is uncanny! Don't you think? She looks like that adorable sheepdog I used to read about when I was a kid. 

Pretty little clips or decorative ponytail elastics simply do not last long in her hair.  She'll leave them in for a while to entertain me, but within no time, they're gone.  Sometimes they're gone forever!  She conveniently misplaces them or hides them.

I gave her a haircut before Christmas, and it actually turned out okay. What was supposed to be a straight trim turned out to be a rather stylish layered bob! A complete fluke!

Still, the hair in her face persisted and it really bothered us.  "Please push the hair away from your eyes, Honey" and "Please don't suck on your hair!" were common phrases up until a few days ago.  Yes, Little One had developed the rather gross habit of sucking on her hair because it was always in her face.

I was shocked when Hubby went to the bathroom, returned with scissors, and chopped off the hair that was always falling and covering Little One's face! 

"Oh! No! You gave her bangs! I never wanted her to have bangs!"
I was cursed with the "little Asian girl bangs" when I was a kid.  It seemed pretty standard for my generation.  Every kid had those straight bangs.  I wanted to avoid that with Little One.

"There! Now she can see!", said Hubby.

I have to admit, she looks kinda cute.

There is a difference, people.

I had a conversation with someone today about a certain FoodNetwork Canada TV show. The person I spoke with quickly said, "Oh, that doesn't interest me at all" and proceeded to talk about something completely different. This was after about twenty minutes of me listening to this person's gripes and grievances. I was just excited about this show and thought it was interesting. Nope. Shut down!

If it's okay for someone to talk about things that matter to them, entertain them, frustrate them, sadden them, make them happy, then why can't other people express these same things? Is it not fair for a listener to be able to speak as well? Don't other people's thoughts, opinions, and concerns matter?

Why bother even having a conversation with someone, if all you are going to do is have a monologue?

I asked Hubby today what he thought I should do. It's always the same thing. I just listen, listen, listen while this person talks, talks, talks and criticizes everyone. It's actually really depressing. When this person said, "How awful is it that so-and-so is behaving so badly?" or "So-and-so has been rumoured to be having an affair".

I. Don't. Care.

It's none of my business. I don't even know said person. I almost wanted to say, "Oh, that doesn't interest me at all". I didn't of course. Perhaps I should have.

The worst part is, some people don't seem to have a social filter. There's a difference between being honest and being rude.

Maybe it's just me, but the world would be a much happier place if people just learned how to talk to each other. Nicely. Politely. Courteously.

"Ewww! GROSS! That fancy dancy international $h!t you cook all the time just sounds weird to me. Your poor husband. I don't know how your husband eats that stuff. Don't you do steak and potatoes or something normal?" can easily be rephrased as "I haven't been introduced to international food and am actually quite hesitant to try it. Good for your husband for trying it".

Now, wouldn't that be a lot easier and kinder? Why bother spreading negativity? I don't see how it benefits anyone.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "What ever happened to that really good friend I had when I was a kid?" Where is she now? What's she doing? I wonder if she still lives in the same neighbourhood we grew up in or did she leave the city?

How about, "I wonder what ever happened to that ex-boyfriend I had way back when I was a naive, foolish young adult?"

These things don't often cross my mind. Life is too busy to think about things like that. I have to admit that every once in a while, when a particular song comes on the radio when I'm driving or a certain movie is on TV, sometimes I think of people from my past.

I wonder why we do that? Should we even care? What do you think?

I often wonder what the obsession with absolutes is. Why are people so preoccupied about what is absolutely right or absolutely wrong in their opinion? It is really interesting and something I am curious about.

I recently wrote a guest post on the Canadian Beef blog about my life as a farmer's wife. It was how I went from city to country, and vegetarian to omnivore.

A commenter wrote:

"The animals may be treated well but you’re still killing them in the end. A true vegetarian would not have been swayed."

This is true on all accounts. We do raise cattle and in the end they do get killed. We don't kill them. They are bought and sent off-Island. Ultimately, they do end up getting killed though. This is not something I think I can ever get used to. It's always really sad for me to see the truck leave with the animals.

"A true vegetarian would not have been swayed."

Things are not always black and white. I don't feel I have to defend or justify my decisions, but I suppose a little explanation is fine. The background information: I spent most of my adult years as a non-meat eater. I wouldn't even touch anything that had been cooked with meat or in a non-vegetable broth. People would tell me to "just pick the meat out and don't eat it" or "don't drink the broth then!"

Back in the day, it was not as easy to be vegetarian as it is today. There weren't so many vegetarian options. At restaurants, I'd have either a baked potato and salad or fries and salad. Now, there are so many delicious options out there and at home, we eat meatless meals too.

Back when I was a teenager and in my early to mid twenties, people balked at the fact that I was vegetarian. They said I was "difficult" to cater too because of my beliefs and decisions I made on what I ate. I was even told once to "go grind your own soy beans" when I asked for soy milk instead of cow's milk at a cafe.

Now that I've started eating a bit of meat again, I still get balked at. This time it's from the vegetarians. Meat eaters gave me flack when I didn't eat meat and non-meat eaters give me flack for eating a bit of meat every once in a while.

"A true vegetarian would never have been swayed."

True. However, like I said, things are not always black and white. I could still live a meat-free life, but years ago, I ended up having to get regular B-12 shots at the doctor's office. I became anemic, my hair started to fall out by the clump-full. It wasn't that I wasn't following a "proper" vegetarian diet. I was. I was followed up by the doctor, who made sure I was getting all the nutrients I needed. My body was just not able to do completely meatless. To this day, I make sure we have Meatless Mondays and other meatless meals. We only eat beef once or twice a week, chicken once or twice, and seafood once or twice. We have lots of fresh vegetables and fruit. We have a varied diet and with all food groups. Everything in moderation.

Before people make comments about absolutes, it is important to understand that there may be something more than just on the surface that makes a person decide what they do. Even so, is it up to a person to say what is right or wrong?

Not that this is a good comparison in any way, but it's kind of like when a woman who has to bottle or formula feed her baby and people tell her (or insinuate that) she is not a "good" or a "real" mother if she doesn't breastfeed her child. I've done both. If I had the choice, I would have strictly nursed my baby. Because circumstances dictated otherwise, I was forced to bottle feed her in her early days. Because she was a preemie and in the NICU for the first 70 days of her life, I had to do a combination of breastfeeding and the nurses feeding her a bottle of breast milk when I wasn't at the hospital.

I am a breastfeeding advocate. I believe that breast milk is liquid gold and it's what is best for babies and for mothers. This said, I also understand that sometimes breastfeeding isn't in the cards for some moms and babies. Sometimes it's a personal decision. Sometimes it's because of circumstances beyond our control.

What is the need for absolutes anyway? You're either vegetarian or a carnivore. You're either a breastfeeder or a bottle feeder. In the end, who really cares?

What is important is to do your research so you can make informed decisions for what is right for you. Live your life and let others live theirs too.

Not even a complete week into NaBloPoMo and I'm already delving into the NaBloPoMo prompts. With BlogHer, they have posted prompts for each day and weekends are for free-writing. 

I've been participating in NaBloPoMo for past few years, and I have never needed a prompt. This year, however, I'm finding it a challenge to come up with things to write about.

For those participating in NaBloPoMo this year, do you use prompts or prefer free-writing?

For today's post, I'm going with Friday's prompt:
Friday, November 4, 2011
When you are writing, do you prefer to use a pen or a computer?

When writing, I usually prefer the use of pen and paper. Growing up, I kept a journal. I'd write in it every day even if I had nothing of interest to say.

There is something so natural about writing. It's almost as though your pen is a natural extension of your body and can connect the thoughts from your mind to the paper by way of your hand. Also, the cracking sound of the spine of a book/journal/diary and the smell of paper add to the sensory experience of writing.

A friend and I once commented on  how it feels like the art of letter writing in the paper and pen form is dying. I often feel guilty about sending out Christmas/Holiday cards every year because of the amount of paper used. People don't always keep the letters or cards. Oftentimes, they just throw/recycle them anyway. To be more environmentally conscious, I decide to go with the "Save a tree and e-mail me" mindset. I received tons of criticism one year with people saying how impersonal that was and how they'd enjoy an actual letter.

I agree. There's nothing greater than receiving a personal letter written to you by a friend or family member. My mother-in-law's generation is one that keeps up the letter writing tradition and continues to share information, news, thoughts, and insights through letters.

I feel conflicted because I love nothing more than receiving and sending personal letters (by way of pen and paper), but I am in a time where everything is digital. Much of the work I do from home is on the computer. When teaching, a lot of the non-textbook activities require the use of the computer and/or internet. When working on freelance jobs, much of it is done on the computer.

These days, I find myself typing more than actually writing.

I find myself sending e-vites, e-mail, and text messages more than writing actual letters. Sadly, I sometimes even prefer texting than talking on the phone. With limited time, it's just faster.

Though I appreciate that using a computer to communicate with others is faster and often more convenient, I prefer writing with pen and paper.  In theory, pen and paper would be my ideal choice, but in practice, I find myself using the computer more.

I do realize that we need to make time for our loved ones and even if it takes a little more effort, try to add a personal touch - be it through a handwritten letter or a phone call.

What do you prefer? Writing with paper and pen or computer?

As a child, I never thought much about it.
As a teenager, I thought I had lots of it.
As an adult, I realize I need more of it.

Time.

Because our days are so busy and chaotic, I rarely have time to sit down and reflect.  It just hit me today that our "baby" is going to be three years old a week from today. Three years old!  How did three years just fly by before my eyes?  How did she go from being a single cell to thousands of cells and into a human being that talks, laughs, loves, creates, questions, understands, tests, challenges, experiences, and questions? How? Yes. I did say "questions" twice.

I just cannot wrap my brain around how it is possible that two people can create another human being. I realize this sounds crazy, but it really and truly amazes me.

It makes me sad that she's turning three.  I know that I should be excited and happy, and that I should enjoy each and every stage of her childhood.  Little One turning three makes me realize how fast time is passing and that she will no longer be our baby soon.  Soon she'll be going to school.

With all the deaths of friends and family in the past few years, I am more aware of how finite our time on earth is. With family and friends getting older and weaker, the thought of mortality has been something I think about now.  I'm not concerned about myself (at least, not yet), but for my grandmother, mother-in-law, parents...

Time.  It's something some of us don't often think about.  It's something some of us think too much about.

I guess the key is to enjoy the time we do have with our loved ones and make the best of our time together.

ArtsyTeacherMom: Holy ****! Were you always this stressed out when you lived in the city? You're a pretty high strung person, eh?

Me: Hmm...Not really. At least I don't think so. In the city, I just commuted to work, taught all day, went to the gym, had dinner, and did the same thing over again the next day. Now, I have to take care of every fricken thing in this house, raise a child, work, help on the farm, and did I mention deal with a toddler who is really testing my patience these days? If I don't pick up after everyone, stuff just stays on the floor for days. If I don't do the dishes, they'll stay there forever. Now, look! The kids are fighting!

ArtsyTeacherMom: Will you just sit down? Relax! Have a visit. Sit! The kids are fine playing. You don't have to watch them all the time. I swear, you're always on them. Just chill.

Me: I guess you're right.

To be honest, I never used to think I was a walking ball of stress. In the past few years though, everything stresses me out. Everything.

I hate it when things are missing or misplaced. Missing caps on markers? That drives me nuts! Missing puzzle pieces or parts of toys? They make me crazy. My toddler rearranging furniture or pulling DVDs off the shelf and scattering them? Aaargh!

I know I really need to learn  how to pick and choose my battles. I honestly don't know why these things bother me so much. I wish I could be a bit more like my friend, ArtsyTeacherMom and be more relaxed. I'm jealous. I cannot stand laundry piled up or on the floor. Dishes in the sink or food on the kitchen counter just sends me off the edge.

It's not just the mess people in this household leave for me that stresses me out. It's the doing everything else too. Check this out!
Old fashioned apple press! We made 16 litres of apple juice in one afternoon. Why? Well, I guess that's the way we do things on the farm. In the country, people make things from scratch. More work on top of everything we do already. I could understand making everything from scratch when that was one's livelihood or because one didn't get much at the grocery store and had to make everything from scratch. However, doing all of that on top of working is hard!

Right. The other thing I have a hard time with is dealing with a whiny toddler. She's great. She really is. I love her to bits. It's just that lately, she has started to whine when she's frustrated, tired, impatient, or doesn't get what she wants. It is so draining. The sound of crying or whining kids just sets something off inside me and drives me crazy. I feel awful saying it, but it's true.

Drives. Me. Crazy.

I need to do something about this crazy anxiety.  Who cares if Little One mushed up all the colours of her Play Doh and turned it into what looks like a huge ball of poop? I don't know why it irritates me so much when Little One mixes Play Doh colours. It really, really bothers me!
As my husband says, "She's only two." Actually, she'll be three next week! Eeeek!

She is a cutie. I love her so much.
She does the wackiest things like dressing up as a chicken when it's not even Halloween and having tea parties with her stuffed cow. Yes, she does this on a daily basis.

She cracks me up when she does things like "nurses" her stuffed bunny!
 It makes me feel like the world's crappiest mom when I get upset, impatient, or frustrated. I mean, how can one get upset at someone so cute??

I've devised a plan to help me be more patient and not stress about the little things.

1. If I start to feel like a panic attack is on its way, take a few deep breaths before I react. Walk away if I have to.

2. At the end of the day, have a cup of tea and some quiet time.

3. Ask for help. It's something I have a hard time doing. I don't like to ask for help and try to do everything on my own. Sometimes though, asking for help may be what keeps one from going bonkers though. There is no weakness in telling people you need a  hand. I sometimes feel like I'm doing too much, but need to get everything done on my own. Whatever can't be finished today can be done tomorrow.

4. Make sure to have cuddle time with toddler.

Sorry for the rant. Guess it's been "one of those days"!

Question of the day: 
What stresses you out? What do you do to cope with the stress?

What happened to my sweet, angelic, little baby? Little One was the sweetest, *gentlest, most compassionate little girl ever. All of a sudden...BAM! No, it wasn't the "terrific twos" that did it for us. She was still so easy when she was two. Now, she's almost three (she'll be three on Remembrance Day) and is really testing out the boundaries.

Being a preemie, she's always been the smallest out of her group of friends and she was always the one to get bullied. She was fine. She never pushed back or hit back. Now, all of a sudden, she's doing what all the other kids were doing. It's driving me crazy!

No matter how calmly I try to deal with the situation, it always ends up with her, me, or both of us in tears. I've tried everything. Positive reinforcement, distraction...everything. Though Hubby and I are not fans of "Time Outs", we've even tried that technique. To be honest, it means absolutely nothing to Little One. She'll cry, do her "time out", but the pushing and hitting still continue.

This has all just started within the past month. She watches her friends and soaks everything up like a sponge. She imitates her friends and tries to get away with things. Her latest thing has been learning how to spit and it drives me crazy. I do realize that children go through a stage where they learn to be independent and test the boundaries, and see what they can get away with, but this is really exhausting me. I also realize that we can't keep her from play groups, play dates, or social gatherings for fear she'll pick up unacceptable behaviour. She's a toddler. She'll go through that no matter what. It's just our job to teach her what is appropriate and what is unacceptable. I try to show her that it isn't nice to push our friends. It hurts our friends when we push and it hurts their feelings. It's still not hitting home though.

She is a really great kid, but is really trying my patience and testing boundaries now. I am at my wits' end. I was joking to a friend that I am so stressed out that if this persists, I don't know if I'll last until Little One's fifth birthday. My friend laughed and said, "Or, she won't last until her fifth birthday!"

*sigh* You've really got to have a good sense of humour if you're a parent. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether you should laugh or cry!

If any of you seasoned veteran parents out there have any tips on correcting this kind of behaviour, please (PLEASE!) share!

No, seriously. I'm begging you! :)


* The English grammar teacher in me wants to write "gentlest", as it is the proper comparative form for the adjective, but the other part of me wants to say "most gentle" because it sounds better! I suppose both are fine. I've got more pressing matters to deal with than grammar at the moment! ;)

Actually, it's not my toddler who is having issues with this whole potty training thing. It's me!

Part of it is due to me feeling guilty. Guilty that I have to work all day and not spend the time I need to be with her to teach her how to use the potty. She's pretty much potty training herself.

No. Seriously. She is.

Little One wears panties at home or goes around au naturel and tells us, "I have to go toilet!" She's been pretty good at #2, which surprises me. I've read that some children have a harder time with #2.  It's #1 she forgets about and has little accidents sometimes. Occasionally, I'll step into a warm puddle and moments later will hear, "I peed!"

Another thing is that though I should embrace each and every milestone and enjoy each stage of childhood, Little One being almost potty trained makes me a little sad. It signals the end of her babyhood. Of course it means the end of diapers (wooo hooo!), but the end of babyhood too.

Yes, I realize she's no longer a baby and I don't treat her that way. It doesn't make it easier though. I feel like having to work and being with students all day means I spend more time with other people's children than my own child.

One last potty issue is that I feel pressured by other moms who say things like, "Oh. She's not potty trained yet?" or "My child was out of her diapers before she turned two!"

Little One's pediatrician and Neonatologist mentioned that by 3, children are "ready" to start potty training and they "understand" what it's all about. She said that many parents rush their children and think that "Oh! The magical number has to be 2. By 2, they need to be out of their diapers!"

The more reading and research I've been doing, the more I realize that Little One is on the right track. She's showing interest in going on the toilet, she knows what to do, she tells us (most of the time) when she needs to go, and she's pleased as punch whenever she has a successful trip to the potty.

I guess what I really need to get into my head is that all children are different. They don't have to go by the same time tables...and, don't compare! This would be a lot easier if people didn't compare. Why do people do that? I know that we don't say, "Well, your child must be delayed because Little One was doing that a year earlier than your child" or "Wow. I can't believe he is so far behind! Our child was walking, feeding herself, saying the alphabet, talking, and writing her thesis and defending it before she was 2!"

Fortunately for Little One, I don't project these feelings onto her. I don't want her to grow up with a complex or anything. Instead, I keep the annoying things people say to myself (Ha! Or now on the blog!) and hope I don't die of stress or an anxiety attack.

Who says things like that? Why would it even matter? What pleasure do people get in comparing babies, toddlers, children?


Do any of you have inspirational potty stories to share? Tips, perhaps?

*Photo of Little One just after she got into one of our students' toiletry bags. She's covered head to toe in toothpaste. Nice.

Life has been insanely busy with the toddler being in her "terrific twos", me teaching, having students at the house with us for the summer, the farm, the freelance work, extra-curricular activities, committees...just to name a few things.

I had to bring the toddler to a meeting last week since I couldn't find childcare at the last minute. She was great, except for the constant wanting me to play with her and read her books. This, my friends, is why it's really not recommended to take little ones to your meetings. It's distracting and can sometimes prove to be unproductive. She was so good, but it really is a lot to ask of a 2.5 year old to sit and stay occupied for an adult meeting. Of course, she had toys and books to keep her busy with, but nothing is ever as good as having Mommy play too. *sigh*

Secret Mommy Confession:  After the meeting, I was almost in tears. I asked some of the other women there how on earth women survive?! We work all day at our jobs, work all evening and night at our home and take care of our families, we don't get much sleep, we don't get many breaks. How do women survive? Better yet, how do women not burn out or go nuts? Oh, I'm totally not joking.

Little One is simply adorable and I love her so  much. She's just into everything and she's so busy all the time! Sometimes, I wonder if having children earlier in life would have been easier? Then I think of all the things I know now and all the experience I have as *gasp* (dare I say it?) an "older mom". I just don't seem to have the energy I had when I was in my twenties. I'm 35 and Little One is just over 2.5 years old.

I find my patience wears thin really easily after a long day of teaching. I want to just soak up all my time with her and enjoy her at this age, but after racing home from teaching, there's supper to be made, work to do around the  house, and a whole slew of other things to do. It pains me to feel like I am not giving her all my time when I am at home.

I need to go to Zumba and exercise classes during the week because A) I need and love the exercise and B) That hour of working out refreshes me and gives me a break from the whining and acting out. Sadly, my little munchkin has become very whiny for her mommy and is very vocal about her wants and her dislikes. Though I know that working out is good for me, I feel really guilty (not always self-imposed) for taking a few nights a week away from my toddler.

Then I have friends who seem to be so "together" with the whole parenting thing. They don't complain, voice their frustrations, fall apart, or feel like crying sometimes. At least, they give that illusion. My close friends and I feel comfortable enough to talk about everything we are going through and how we really feel. The SuperMoms out there just make me feel like a completely awful mom for losing it sometimes.

I'm just so exhausted all the time.

Thankfully, despite the whole whiny, cranky, bossy attitude from Little One sometimes, on the whole, she is an awesome kid. She's so inquisitive, loving, sweet, smart, funny, and my everything. I just wish I could be more patient, not worry about cooking, getting housework done, and doing other things. I don't want her to remember me losing it or being stressed out at the state of our house all the time. When she gets older, I want her to remember that I read to her every night (book after book...after book!), sang with her, played outside with her, coloured with her, and took  her to cool places. I want her to remember all of these things. I really am making an effort to not be "that crabby mom" who is overly concerned with how immaculate the house is. I can't  help how much it bothers me that the house is suffering since I've gotten so busy with everything.

How on earth do some moms have it so "together" all the time? 

I hope Little One does know how much I love her and how much the time we spend together means to me. I  hope she always remembers the time we spend on the beach together.

I realize she is now two years old and a sibling would be good for her (and a welcome addition to the family). I realize that I am 35 years old already, but I can't help my feelings.  I'm worried, terrified, and full of anxiety. Part of me desperately wants to have another baby, but the other part wonders if we should.  Our experience with Little One being premature and in the hospital for so long makes me wonder if we should even take that chance. We may not be as lucky as we were with Little One coming out of it all so well.

 
I wrote about my feelings and concerns over at Mom Nation (my first post on the Mom Nation site!).