The soft light of the sun filtering through the filmy white curtains in our temporary room caused Little One to stir in the morning.  Our morning routine while in San Jose would be getting up early, having a Filipino breakfast prepared by great-lola's helpers, showering, and getting ready for our commute to a neighbouring city to visit great-lola in the hospital.

At the time, my mom, aunts and I were pretty much on auto-pilot.  We were just living day to day, traveling by jeepney (and sometimes out of the kindness of loved ones, by vehicle) to and from the hospital.

Thinking about our experience, I now wonder what exactly was going through the mind of my three year old.  The extreme heat of the Philippines, the heavy smell of diesel...the sights and scents were totally foreign to my little girl.  Being dragged around to spend her days in the hospital, and hearing a language foreign to her didn't really seem to faze her at all. She was a trooper and happily went about doing her thing.

After long days at the hospital, Little One would often explore great-lola's beautiful house and find treasures.

She took these back to Canada with her to remember great-lola.
Today, I caught Little One sobbing into her pillow. The tears streamed down her cheeks as she cried, "I don't want great-lola to be dead!"

I noticed that she was clutching onto the Nesting Dolls she brought back from the Philippines. They were a gift one of my aunts had given my grandmother. My aunt, having worked for Air Canada for many years, often brought back trinkets from her travels. These are the only tangible items Little One has to remember her great-grandmother by. It surprised me how one so young could comprehend so much and feel so much. It brought tears to my eyes.

The odd thing is that no one had even spoken about my grandmother passing away and Little One just burst out into tears, hugging the wooden nesting dolls.

Ironically, today my Grandmother would have turned 92 years old.  It still breaks my heart to think I'll never again be able to hold her hand or hear her tell her stories of life in the Philippines.

Still missing you, great-lola.

**WARNING** Not my usual happy, light, fun post :)


It's been just a few months since my grandmother passed away and so far I've been holding things together just fine. Things are busy, life must go on, and there's a little person who needs me to function like a normal human being.  It just hits me sometimes though. It comes in waves. The overwhelming sense of loss and the sadness just take me by surprise.
My cousin found one of my grandmother's pieces of writing. It reminded me of just how much I miss her. I thought of the last time I held her hand and how much my heart hurt.

Hubby, Little One and I have been absent from our church for a good part of the Summer. Summer is really busy on the farm and Hubby rarely gets a chance to leave the farm. He needs to maximize daylight hours and get the most out of his days. There's always so much that needs to get done.

In church on Sunday, our minister's words just hit me. I know I don't talk about religion much on my blog, but every time we attend church service, the words just make so much sense and totally apply to what I'm going through at the time.

I've had a lot of things going on in my life lately. Worries. Stress. Anxiety. People see me in public and think I  "have it together". I really don't. I've also been creating more worries, stress and anxiety for myself and my husband. The basement hasn't been finished yet and it's been in the works for the past four years. I can't keep up with the weeds in our vegetable and fruit gardens. My flower gardens are a mess. I can't keep up with my house work. It's insane. I want things done and I want it done now.

Then I heard the words come out of our minister's mouth. He reminded us of the Fruit of the Holy Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” (Galatians 5:22)

I was reminded that we need to have patience. Patience is not a virtue I possess and have been struggling hard with. I know I need to work harder at it and this has been so apparent lately in so many facets of my life. My mother-in-law always tells me to "Let go and let God".

After the church service, we had lunch with Grandma (aka: my mother-in-law).


My Dad had spent the morning landscaping my front yard. I almost cried. I'd been trying to get to it for a while now, but was too busy. He just came over and did it. I am so thankful for my Dad.

Hubby took some of the afternoon off work and put farm chores aside to spend some time just lounging around with his family. Little One, Chance, Spike, Hubby and I played in the sprinkler and relaxed on the porch drinking iced tea. Well, Spike and Chance didn't drink iced tea. They had water.



Our little girl loves her Daddy so much. She cries every time Daddy or Mommy have to work. She just wants us to be together and hang out. She was SO  happy today. We just sat on the deck, but she loved it. She kept putting Hubby's hand on top of my hand and kept saying, "Daddy, hold Mommy's hand. Kiss Mommy. Group hug!!!" and she gave us both a big hug. She's so sweet. I love my little girl.

I have to remember that I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Taking time out, having Hubby spend time with Little One and me, and me going unplugged for much of the weekend certainly helped.

I leave you with this video. Totally brings me back to my high school days. I loved Warrant and was in love with Jani Lane! RIP Jani! For some reason, whenever I'm feeling my not so peppy self, this song always comes to mind.

 In keeping with our "Today I Ate a Rainbow" theme in our family, I wanted to have a psychedelic food display!

 Check out this amazing cake that The Cake Lady made! How fitting for this hippie birthday theme! A tie-dyed cake with a fabulous edible VW van!

 Did you notice the license plate? I almost died laughing, because my Mom's initials, "E.V.L." spell "EVIL"!

 We had a great time and it was so nice to see my Mom so happy and surrounded by her loved ones. The party almost did not come to fruition because of the recent death of my beloved grandmother. My Mom was just too sad and heartbroken, and not in the mood for celebrating.  I told her that my grandmother would have wanted her to celebrate and be happy. Ack! The tears won't stop flowing! I know this is what my grandmother would have wanted though.

Anyway, here are 60 Things About My Mother:

1. My Mom is very youthful
2. She doesn't look a day over 40 
3. She loves onion rings
4. She's crazy about her four adorable grandchildren
5. She's married to her best friend
6. She's a lot more lenient with her grandchildren than she was with her own kids!
7. She's FUNNY!
8. Her laugh is contagious
9. She smiles a lot
10. She'll do anything for her loved ones
11. She stands up for what she believes in
12. Do not ever cross her! 
13. She's small, but mighty!
14. She's been wanting an iPad, but keeps calling it an iPod!
15. She's a fantastic cook, although she claims that she isn't
16. She's generous
17. She still pinches people's cheeks, even if they're adults (mine included)
18. She's very friendly
19. She's ADDICTED to Facebook
20. She's brutally honest
21. She's my best friend and worst enemy. LOL! Kidding! Sort of! :)
22. She loves the Beatles, the BeeGees, the Carpenters and the Lettermen
23. She loves sappy romantic comedies
24. It wasn't until just a few years ago that she found out what the expression "Cut the cheese" meant!
25. She hates being in the sun
26. She's not a fan of swimming
27. She's a neat freak
28. Okay, maybe a bit on the obsessive compulsive side when it comes to the cleanliness and the state of the house
29. She is very organized
30. She has post-it notes all over the place so everyone knows what they're doing or what they need to do
31. She makes the best "pancit" (Filipino noodles)
32. She always threatens to bite chubby babies. You know the saying "Aww! He/she's so cute, I could bite him/her?" Well, Mom's guilty of having done that!
33. She loves her three kids
34. She loves British style fish and chips. Won't eat fish and chips unless served wrapped in newspaper
35. Mom has a big heart
36. She's beautiful
37. She likes to feed people! She's Filipina! It's in her culture to want to always give people LOTS of food to eat when they visit!
38. She loves dancing
39. She doesn't drink (because she's a lightweight!)
40. Did you honestly think I'd make you sit here and read SIXTY things about my Mom!?! :)  I'm going to stop here and say...

*Hubs and my 60s costumes from http://www.costumesupercenter.com/ (from previous product reviews)

If you've got a Wordless Wednesday post you'd like to share, we'd love to pop by and check it out!

Friends always tell me how lucky I am to be close to my family. It's true. I come from a very closely knit family. I attribute this to my grandmother, who was the glue that bound our family together.

A devout Catholic, fabulous wife, a school principal, a caring mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, and friend, "Mommy" (affectionately called by all) was the most wonderful woman I have ever met.

Little One and I were fortunate to have spent the last few weeks of her life with her. We left the Philippines last Wednesday and we got word that she just passed away.

Though my heart is torn into a million pieces, we knew she would be leaving us any day now.  She told me when I was in the ICU with her that it was her time to go.  She mouthed "I love you all. I am suffering. I need to go to Heaven now".

Somehow, I'm still that grandchild that wants to think that grandparents are immortal and will live with us forever. Of course, such is not the case...except for in our hearts and in our memories.

I love you, lola. Thank you for being part of my life and for teaching me so much about family, life, and love. I am blessed and honoured to be your grandchild.
 Why is letting go always so difficult, even when you know that someday that time will come and that sometimes it's better off this way?

The women in my family all have a strong presence in my life.  All my aunts treated all us kids as their own. It is really great coming from such a tight-knit family. My grandmother, the matriarch of the family was like the supreme mom figure in our lives. She took care of us when our parents were working. She taught us about our roots. She taught us to love one another and to be good kids (for the most part).

My family is so important to me.

With my grandmother being in the hospital, I wish I could still be with her. I'm sending all my love and positive thoughts, and prayers for some peace and no more pain for her. I love you so much, Lola.

Mom, Happy Mother's Day to you too! This will be the first time in a long time that we haven't spent Mother's Day together. Hubby and Dad usually take us out for a lovely meal and shower us with love and affection. This year, you are on the other side of the world.

Thank you for everything you've done for us. Wish we could be with you on Mother's Day as well. We'll see you when you return from the Philippines. Love you.

Before I begin telling you about the bittersweet trip to the Philippines Little One and I went on, I would like to announce the winner of our Wholly Guacamole and Beanitos #CANsnack giveaway!

Congratulations to
Tina L.

entry #4 I like to try the Chipotle BBQ Black Bean Beanitos (have not tried before).
I love the Wholly Guacamole products. My favorite is the Spicy dip.

You will be receiving an e-mail asking for your mailing info. Your prize will be shipped to you as soon as possible. Enjoy your fabulous Beanitos and Wholly Guac goodies!

Thanks again to everyone for entering! More exciting giveaways and reviews to come!

Now for my first post since I took off to the Philippines a few weeks ago!

Over three weeks ago, I received a phone call from the Philippines. My grandmother was in critical care in the ICU.  I felt a knot in my stomach when I heard my aunt's voice on the telephone. I purchased plane tickets for Little One and myself, packed our suitcases (and made sure to pack a black dress in case we had to attend a funeral), and the next day, Little One and I were on our way to the airport.

I dragged my sleepy three year old on a very long flight from Toronto-Narita-Manila. This was her first international flight and also the first time she would meet some of our family members in San Jose, Batangas, Philippines.

My grandmother and grandfather were like second parents to all of us (my cousins, brothers, and me).  When we were younger and while our parents were at work, "Mommy" and "Daddy" took care of us.  Everyone called my grandparents "Mommy" and "Daddy". Since our parents called them that, we did as well. The names just stuck. To this day, even close family friends call them Mommy and Daddy.

My grandfather died when I was in my early twenties and while I was teaching abroad. His death left a huge empty space inside of me. My grandmother remained healthy, strong, and as sharp as a tack! She remembers everyone's birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions.

The thought of losing Mommy too just left me feeling really heartbroken. When I received the phone call, she was in critical condition in the ICU and unconscious. When we arrived, she miraculously came back to us! Bed ridden, on a ventilator, with tubes everywhere and in a lot of pain, she waited for us to come.

The hardest part about spending our days in the ICU was seeing Lola (Grandma in Tagalog) with her sad eyes, and pleading for us to let her go now. She is in a lot of pain and basically, her existence is being prolonged. She mouthed the words, "I love you all. I am so tired and in a lot of pain now. I just want to rest. I want to go to Heaven now."

Seeing her like that, holding her hand, and imagining my world without Mommy/Lola was unbearable.  It's selfish and unrealistic for me to want to keep my grandmother with me forever. I know everyone has their time when they have to leave their loved ones behind. I've never been good at goodbyes.

I'd have to wait until I got to the hall or the waiting room so I could break down and cry. I didn't want Mommy to see me crying and knew we had to look strong and positive for her. I keep telling myself that I need to be at peace with letting her go and that she needs to know that it's okay to rest now. She needs to know that she doesn't have to hang on and keep suffering because we want her to stay. She's tired and in lots of pain.

I really don't know how or what I'm supposed to feel right now. Her heart and mind are still strong, but everything else is giving up. She has pneumonia again, her hemoglobin levels are low, she needed four blood transfusions in the past three weeks, and things just keep getting worse. I don't want her to suffer any longer. I just pray that she is free of pain.  At the same time, I don't want to say goodbye. I don't know what to feel or how I feel. All I want to do is cry.

This is my second trip to the Philippines, and once again, it's not a pleasure trip.  I wish circumstances were different.  This time, we're here because my grandmother (Lola) is in Intensive Care.

I packed up my three year old for her first international trip, and off we went.  The flight was long, but Little One fared well.  She was such a great traveler.

As soon as we got to the airport in Manila, we went straight to the hospital in Lipa City. It was so good to see my grandmother and to hold her hand, but it was heartbreaking to see her intubated and with an NG tube.

We've been in the Philippines for a week now.  Little One has adjusted well despite the jet lag, extreme heat, and stress.  She loves Filipino food and has made friends with the neighbour's grandchildren. She is bonding with her relatives and learning about our culture.

My grandmother's maids are amazing. They are so good to our family. They really love my grandmother so much. One of her 'helpers' even sleeps in the hospital waiting room every night!
I have to say that it is really weird to not have to cook, clean, do dishes, laundry, or take care of my child all the time!

I'll try to post some photos soon. In the meantime, please keep my grandmother in  your thoughts and prayers. Healing vibes and positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated.