Thursday, October 11, 2012

Women of a Certain Age

The past few days, weeks, and months have been filled with excitement at the news of many (yes, many!) friends who are expecting babies in the upcoming months and early next year.  I am SO thrilled for all my friends and cannot wait to go shopping for baby presents! With this, of course comes the burning questions of  "So, when are you guys having number two?" and "Are you guys thinking of having more kids?"

Part of me would love to have another baby.  I'd love to give Little One a sibling.  Then there's the sometimes not having patience for poor Little One as it is, and thinking of adding another child to the mixture?  When I parent, I like to give 110% all the time and I hate the feeling of not being there fully or not doing more with Little One. I don't like my child be babysat by TV or by electronic gadgets or game systems. I like to do outdoorsy things with her, do crafts together, go on 'adventures', play, read, and do things together.

I also think of the fact that if I have a baby soon, I'll be forty years old when the baby is a toddler. Do I really want to be in my forties and running after a little one? I am having a rough time waking up once or twice in the middle of the night when Little One has nightmares or growing pains!

Then there's the fact that A) Little One was a preemie and I had a high risk pregnancy, and B) I'm getting older. Oh, people remind me of that constantly.  Just recently, someone told me "You will be thirty-seven years old in December. Now is the time to do it if you want another baby. Soon your eggs will be all dried up and all your chances will be gone. It will be too late for you."  Ummmm...Thanks.

I went through HELL with my pregnancy. What was supposed to be the happiest time of our life turned out to be the scariest time for us.  We never knew from one day to the next if our baby was going to survive.  I know with all pregnancies, there are concerns and worries, but when you already know the chances of not carrying to term may be your reality, then it's even scarier.  The roller coaster of emotions didn't stop after she was delivered though.  At 28 weeks gestation, though a baby that young can survive, many times it's not without complications.

It makes me cry when I think of what we went through and how scary it was every day walking into the NICU and not knowing if Little One was having a good or bad day.  I'm reminded of all of this every November. November is Preemie Awareness Month and November is when Little One catapulted herself into existence with no doctors in the room. SCARY!

Do I want another baby?  I would love one.  The truth is, I'm scared.


Sober Julie said...

I don't blame you for being scared and I firmly believe that we will know when/if it's time for another.....believe that God will guide you

Little Miss Kate said...

Oh Christine, as we have talk about this many times, you know that I understand how you feel COMPLETELY, and I didn't have to go through half of the stuff you did with my preemie.
Deciding to try for #2 was a leap of blind faith, a lot more worry then I ever let on to any one else.
Even now at 35 weeks pregnant, it still feels like a dream that we might get a "take home baby" - you know one you actually get to take home from the hospital within days, not weeks or months of being born.
You have to follow your heart and go with what is right for you and your family.

Hugs, hugs, hugs!

~ The Country Mouse ~ said...

I think ultimately you will know by listening to your heart. It is very scary all the 'what if's' in life, and a lot of times those 'what if's' can get the best of us.

Speak with your doctor and get their honest opinion. Don't let others opinions influence you. And, ask God to guide you. (I don't know how religious you are - I don't mean that to offend)

What I know is you are a fantastic woman, wife and mommy. And friend, who I'll be hugging in one week. xox

Elizabeth FrugalMomEh said...

I SO understand that fear. I want more kids for sure but I am scared to death of being pregnant after my experience with my LO and the NICU. I know I will spend my entire next pregnancy dreading having another Preemie. It's such a huge fear of mine now too.

Little Miss Kate said...

Preemie moms bare scars that no one else can see.
Here is a post about my scars

Sny Med said...

Christine, I'm able to relate to your post in all regards. My last baby was a preemie (born at 35 weeks). I don't consider him a preemie as he was born big & came home with me 24 hours after his birth.

All my babies were born in my 30s, and my last 2 were were high risk pregnancies.

I was once in the dilemma that you faced, so I will try to help you in this regards. You DON'T have to go through another pregancy and CAN be fulfilled with your daughter.

Age should not be the deciding factor for you if you will have another child.

If you are considering having another child, the most important question I see in this equation is will history repeat itself? Do you have an existing condition that may allow for another preemie? Would you have to be put on bedrest for another pregnancy?

I'm not asking you to answer here, but this would be a discussion with your doctor. I've already had this discussion with my doctor and received my own answers.


Mama Ash said...

Oh sweetheart. My heart goes out to you.
I'll be in my 40's chasing preschoolers, twin preschoolers my husband will be in his 50's.
Go for it. You might look back and wish you did. I know patience is hard as I lose my patience with DS. We're not perfect but in the end it will pay off.
I know you're a wonderful mom and would you have the same pregnancy as your first?
Discuss with your doctor and check out alternative therapies to prepare your body and treat any issues that may need balancing through alternative medicine?
Sending you bug hugs.

Brandi Yee said...

Trust your heart and ultimately you'll know what's the best choice for you and your family. It's a difficult decision regardless and just because your first was a preemie doesn't guarantee the same outcome with your next, regardless of what the risks...because life has a funny way of surprising us. Only you can decide, and if you decide you just want one, and stick with LO, you'll be happy...but if you decide you want to try again....I'm sure you'll be happy too ;). I agree, discuss with your doctor. You'll know when the time is right to decide :) *HUGS*

~Shannon~ said...

I too would say listen to your heart. ((HUGS))

Just Us Girls said...

Hugs to you girly! This decision is yours and your family alone. I know the feeling of being asked if I'm going to have another anytime soon. It's annoying and people should get that, especially if they have kids.

Do what you think is right for you and your family. Being an only child isn't the worse thing in the world for any kid, there are a ton of other things that are. And at least you're thinking about both the positive and the negative, but know that I'm sure whatever decision you make your friends and family will except it. They have to! ;)

PS - I love that we're both December babies! <3

Kath said...

Ah Christine I totally get where you are coming from and after Kails was born with so many complications I was scared to bits as well. You will know when/ if it feels right. I know for me I was worried that I would be nutso during my 2nd pregnancy but I went to a high risk dr and he took such great care of me. My experience with Dylan was much smoother than Kails that is for sure!
You will know when its time and if its right and trust me you would give 110% even if you had 10 kids!

Sharon said...

Christine, I know how you feel. I would love to have another child but I also don't know how/if that will happen too. It's hard when you go through so much with your first and can't help but have all these thoughts about it in your head of what might or might not happen, it can be a scary thing. Whatever decision you make, be it a mother of one or two, know that you are the best mommy you can be, as long as you love your kids. I am also trying to get rid of my fears on this subject, coming to terms with possibilities I might not like and letting go of the things that are not in my control. I hope that it all works out, whatever decision you make :)

Cheryl @ KidsOnAPlane said...

Oh Christine, I know how you feel. I had a high risk pregnancy (not preemie) as well with my first and I was extremely scared about having another one.

You will know when and if the time is right. I had conversations with God nightly for several years until I just threw caution to the wind and said "Show me your plan". I had a very different pregnancy with my 2nd (textbook pregnancy)

I know you question your age and energy levels but I know just from tweeting with you you bring 110% to everything that you do. :)

Monica said...

I know you must be very scared...not an easy decision to make and only you know what is the right choice for you! {{HUGS}}

Nicole said...

Oh Christine. *Hugs* I can completely understand your fears. My sister was a preemie (and sadly was one that never made it). Each pregnancy I go in with that fear in the back of my mind. It really isn't an easy to decision to decide when it is right to have another baby. Nothing is more annoying either than having people breathing down your neck about the issue either. The constant pressure amplifies the fears and the uneasiness. I'm a firm believer in that you will know if/and when the right time for another arises... and if it doesn't that's OK too! You have a beautiful little family and you are a great Mom! :)

Christine McN said...

Thank you. Thank you for being on the phone and calling me when you did. LOL! So embarrassed that I bawled my eyes out on you today! Love you, lady! xo

HUGS!!! Can't wait to give you a big hug again! I know you get it. You've been there, done that :) Ha! "A Take Home Baby"! Something many take for granted. *sigh* The not being able to go home with your baby or even hold your baby for weeks is crushing. I honestly do not know HOW we survived those early days.

Tammy inRdream said...

Great article Christine! You shared some great points. Adding more to the mix I can share from experience is exhausting, and we struggle with attention. Like you I feel I need to give so much to my children, having 4 most days I feel burned out from being a teacher, mother, friend to all 4. I look at life as what's meant to happen will, what's right for your family will fall right into place!

Carolynn Gomez said...

Thanks for sharing your story, Christine. It's so okay to have the fears you have -- I had the same with all of my pregnancies especially after what happened with my first.
Do what is right in your heart, and after discussing with your family.
Whatever the decision may be, it'll all be okay.
Big hugs.
And I'm always here if you ever want to chat.

J at said...

I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant. I'm 10 years older than you, and it was not a good dream. I was SO scared of Downs syndrome in my dream. Of course, if I had a Downs baby, I would manage and I would love the baby and all of that. But I doubt anyone CHOOSES that for their child. My uncle had Downs, and it destroyed my Grandmother. (It was the 1940s, and he was home until he was 2, and then taken away and put in an institution. Can you imagine?)

There's so much fear already in pregnancy, so much that can go wrong, so many crazy people that tell you their horror stories and make it more frightening.

And your first experience was scary as hell. I cannot imagine the strength it took, for all three of you, to get through it.

Honestly, I don't know if you'll know what to do. I never made the conscious decision to not have just didn't happen for us with our personal situation. You may have an 'aha' moment, when you decide the desire for another baby is worth the risks, or when you decide that you're not willing to (possibly) go through that again. But sometimes, life is just how it unfolds. You may wake up one day pregnant. Or you may wake up and figure out, wow, I guess that's not going to happen.

Either way, you'll be OK, and you have a strong, wonderful family. And your friends love you.

J at said...

And here I read my comment, and what did I do, but tell you a horror story about having a Downs baby and how hard it was for my Grandparents. Gah. Sorry. It was a dream that stuck with me.

Christine McN said...

I love you. You know I always love and appreciate ALL your comments. You've helped me through a lot. I feel like I need to call you and Cherry sometime soon and have a three-way conference call. Love you both.

Christine McN said...

Thank you so much for your comment. I remember talking to you about that. Gah! Big hugs! Love you, lady! xo

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City girl moves to the country, falls in love, and marries a farmer. She tries to incorporate her city ways with her new country lifestyle and blogs to keep in touch with friends, family & students who live far, far away :) Can this city girl go country? Watch as she learns all sorts of exciting things about life on the farm and in a small rural community. *UPDATE* We are now parents! Our baby girl was born on Nov. 11, 2008 (at 28 weeks gestation- 12 weeks premature, but she's quite the trooper)!!!
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