Saturday, December 19, 2009

Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti ...and Have You Ever Heard of Funeral Cakes???


For my birthday yesterday, my husband took me out to Little India because I was craving Indian food!I knew that Little One LOVES music, but I didn't realize that she absolutely loves the sound of the sitar! She was dancing to the music. It was so cute!I also learned something rather funny. One of my girlfriends said she wanted to make me a birthday cake. She had worked tirelessly to create a beautiful cake for me, and her husband told her "It looks like a funeral cake". A funeral cake?!?

Me: Do funeral cakes actually exist? Is there even such a thing?!
Friend: I don't know! My husband said it looks like a funeral cake though! (exasperated)
Me: Hang on. I'm just going to Google "funeral cakes".
***
Me: OH. MY. GOODNESS. (laughing)
Friend: What?
Me: You won't believe this! There are tons of links for funeral cakes!!
(both laughing)
Friend: Well, what would a funeral cake look like? What do you write on a funeral cake?!?
Me: Well, they look just like birthday cakes.
Friend: So, does it say "Happy Death Day to You" or "RIP"?
Me: No. More like Bible passages.

Wow. Thanks to my friend's husband, we learned that funeral cakes do exist!I love my pink tractor birthday cake! My friend baked two cakes (this is the second one) because she didn't want to bring the first cake (the "funeral cake"). I think she did a great job!

Yet another thing I learned as I turn one year older is that my husband is full of surprises. My husband organized a surprise birthday gathering for me on Saturday. I was totally surprised, because he has never done anything like that for me. Ever. He's not much of a party organizer. Why should he be though? He's never had to do it before. Plus, I always organize the family dinners and parties with friends. I was touched that he put the effort into planning something for me. He loves me. He really, really loves me.
Then he told me that the guests would be arriving in a few hours. WHAT??? I could feel the stress and anxiety sweep over me. Then I got upset. Okay, angry is more like it. It just felt so unjust that I had to clean the entire house and get things ready for guests who were coming to my surprise party. Sooooo terribly unfair.

I felt awful after because it occurred to me that my husband did in fact have the best of intentions. I didn't want to be such a malcontent or ingrate. I do appreciate him. We just don't seem to think the same way. The execution and planning just wasn't how I would have done things. I would have planned the event WAY in advance. I would have cleaned the house, made sure to have party food, and well...just be organized! A+ for thoughtfulness and good intentions though. Some of the people got their invitation/phone call the afternoon of the surprise get together!

A friend reminded me last week that Men Are Like Waffles and Women Are Like Spaghetti. For a man, every element of his life is in a separate box. For a woman, everything in her life touches everything else. The talk I had with my friend really helped me understand my husband and his logic more.

I told her about an incident that took place last week. I had a meeting to attend at 7PM and asked Hubby to be back in time so he could watch Little One while I was at the meeting. I needed to leave at 6:40 to get to my destination on time. 6:43 and Hubby still hadn't arrived. I bundled Little One up in her snowsuit, put her in her car seat and left Hubby a message on his cell phone saying that I was going to be late and would have to just take the baby to my meeting with me. 6:45 and Hubby's truck barreled down the lane way.

Me: I've got to run. PLEASE feed the baby and change her diaper. Oh, and there are just a few dishes in the sink. Could you PLEASE do them for me?

Hubby: Okay. Have fun at your meeting.

Me: Fun? It's a meeting. We talk about budgets and fund raising. Anyway, don't forget to feed and change the baby...and don't forget the dishes.
***

I returned from the meeting and the baby hadn't been changed or fed, and the dishes were still in the sink.

Me: She hasn't been fed or changed? The dishes are still in the sink? WHAT on earth did you do all that time I was gone?!?!?

Hubby: Honey, she's just sooooo busy! It's a full time job just watching her!

Me: FINE! I guess I'll do it. I always have to do everything. I never get any downtime. I never get any rest. For once, I'd just wish to not have to do dishes. I'm ALWAYS doing dishes!!!

***
Fast forward to the next day when my friend and I took our girls to the play group's Christmas Party.

I told her about what had happened and she explained to me that men think about things in compartments. The dishes weren't a priority for Hubby. His main concern was that Little One was safe and being taken care of. Everything else was secondary.

Me: What on earth?! How come when I'm at home I can cook, clean, do dishes and laundry, run errands, do things for Hubby, get paperwork done, do online work (articles and other jobs), AND take care of the baby?!?!

Friend: That's because women are like spaghetti. Every part of our lives connect and overlap. We can multitask. Women are better at multitasking than men. Men think in boxes. Like waffles.

It's so true. Men and women are totally hardwired differently. We don't think in the same ways. I have a zillion examples of this, but that's an entirely different post all together! :)

I love my husband. He's such a great father to Little One. He adores her...and me. Men and women just don't think the same and we don't have the same priorities. "Please put out the garbage" to me means "NOW". To him it means "at some point in the future". "Could you please pass me the wipes? I'm changing the baby and my hands are full" means "I need the wipes NOW"! To him, it means "sometime later" or "You mean you need it now??". *sigh*

This whole marriage and parenthood thing is truly a learning process. Every day we learn new things. I've learned that my husband is the best and I love him so much! We have our moments where we just don't get each other, but we learn and try to understand each other. I've learned that I can be very impatient at times and I need to work on that. I need to work on being more understanding of the reasons behind the logic of our decisions, actions and thinking.

12 comments:

Jackie said...

i am making my hubby read this, it is sooo true!

C said...

Jackie:
LOL! Ohhhh nooooo! When your husband sees my husband, I'll hear all about it! ;) He'll say, "Honey! Why did you have to blog about that!?!" LOL!

Oh, and then your husband will be giving me the gears the next time my vehicle breaks down in front of the grocery store! LOL! ;)

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

One thing about women, I kinda feel like we get a ton of stuff done. I work from home, so I can work and do dishes and plan dinner and go to the grocery store and pick up Maya and walk the dog...of course, my job truly and honestly isn't that demanding. But I wonder if it would even occur to most men to do all of those things if they were working from home? One thing about men, they are much better at focusing on ONE THING, and getting it done much better. My focus is for shit. Probably because I'm doing all of those other things.

I remember when Maya was about 4 1/2 months old. I had gone back to work, and Ted was home with Maya. My best friend had just moved from Washington State to a town about 30 minutes from me in Philadelphia. She called and said she had some spare time. My boss said, there's nothing going on, take the rest of the day off. I told my friend I would go shopping with her. I called Ted, and he said, "Oh good, you can take Maya with you, and I can go have lunch with my friend." I started crying. He just didn't understand that I had not had one single minute since she was born when I wasn't either with her or at work. I wanted some down time with my friend, where I wouldn't have to worry about feeding or diapers or naps or any of that.

To his credit, the second I started crying, he realized his mistake, and insisted that I go with my friend. Yes, he was feeling cooped up with her, being home while I was at work. He had just forgotten the four months I was home while he was in school. Sigh.

C said...

J:
That is soooo true! :) Men *are* really good at concentrating on one thing and getting it done. Women are good a multitasking.

My husband must think I'm neurotic because I was happy that he organized a get together for me, and then the next minute I was in tears because I said that I shouldn't HAVE TO clean like a mad woman and get everything ready for my own party! LOL! Not to generalize here, but men don't get it. He probably thought "Man! I can never do anything right" or "Nothing I do is good enough for her!". Seriously, I didn't think I was being unreasonable though. I mean, I was taking care of the baby all day, hadn't had any time to rest, we went out and bought a van (okay, he redeemed himself there! LOL!). I didn't have enough time to get the house ready for a party. He told me just hours before people arrived that I was having a surprise party!! I need advance notice if I'm going to have to spend a day cleaning! LOL! Better yet, if it's a surprise party for me, I shouldn't have to do everything! LOL! I think he just assumed that inviting people was "throwing a party". The thought was there. I guess I should be happy. I am. I am happy he thought to invite people and that he thought of me.

Patti McK said...

Wow... We are definately living parallel lives!! On one hand we are happy that they've thought of us, but on the other we are pissed that we are expected to ALWAYS pick up their slack, and let's face it, at times there is A LOT of slack to picked up! I love my husband too, but at times I just don't understand his way of thinking. We often argue when I ask him to do things that I normally do and don't even think about. But to him, it's a big deal to have to clean up the table after a meal, or bring in wood for the night. I often feel as though I'm being taken advantage of, even though I know that's not how he is trying to make me feel. Men are just very different from women, and I think women tend to take on way too much responsibilty. We should let our husbands take care of the kids more often. Who cares if they don't do it the same as we do, as long as the kids are in one piece when we return, that's all that matters! I guess we just need to think more like men!! LOL... Good luck to you C! and Merry Christmas to your family from mine.

C said...

Patti:
LOL! You know, I was just going to call you last week to see how you were doing!! We NEED to get together soon! I think the last time we got together was at Hubby's birthday! LOL...and we live so far apart! Not!

Funny you should write what you did. I *just* had that conversation with my husband this morning! I was in the shower and when I got out, LO was awake. I asked him if he had changed her diaper and given her vitamins to her. Nope. I then kind of grumbled something about "Why is it so hard to do things that should be automatic?" LOL! I guess it's automatic and common sense for women and not really something men would think about. Then I said something like "It wouldn't occur to you that she'd need a diaper change after sleeping for 12 hrs through the night? Surely she'd have a wet diaper." I thought it wouldn't have to wait for me to get out of the shower so I could do it.

It's just little every day things like that that just don't make sense to me. Then I feel like the worst wife in the world for sounding like a bee-with-an-itch. I just wish there were some magic potion we could all drink so we could understand each other. I guess it's called years and years of being married to each other :) Hopefully one day we'll get things right. LOL!

Cherry said...

First off... I have to say I thought the title of your post said something about funnel cakes so I kept looking for something about funnel cakes. I need to read more carefully!

Second - yay hubby for the Indian food.. YUM! Great Birthday Dinner!

and Third - this is a tough one. I KNOW I'd react the same way. I often do. I say thank you for Eric doing something and then I complain when it's not done the way I'd do it (aka, the right way). I'm a perfectionist to a fault, I have expectations which need to be managed VERY carefully, and I know what I want, when I want it, and how I want it all to happen.

I do not do well with surprises so this probably wouldn't have gone over well with me either. :-)
I'm kinda surprised he told you at all. At least there is that! he knew he had to at least warn you.

This marriage thing is a bunch of lessons in itself, I can't imagine how its going to go throwing parenting on top of it all. Communication, patience and a whole lot of deep breaths.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I'm with Cherry on the Funnel Cakes. And now I want to see the Funeral Cake she made!

The thought that it didn't occur to your husband to change L.O.'s diaper tells me that he has compartmentalized her care into "Your JOB". People like this can be heard saying they are 'babysitting' their own children. It's not babysitting. It's parenting. He just needs a little paradigm shift to realize that he can and should do these things as well.

I read once about a couple where they were both unhappy, and part of it was because the wife felt like she had to do everything. Yet when she backed off a bit on having things her way, and let him do things around the house as well, things were much better for both of them. He didn't feel so excluded, and she didn't feel so put-upon. I found that I had been doing some of that in my own marriage. And when I backed off and let him get to things, he would. Not as soon as me, often, but it would happen. So maybe if you had waited another 1/2 hour, he would have changed her diaper. And maybe not. He may feel like he does the man jobs and you do the woman jobs. Might be worth a conversation when she's asleep sometime and you're both feeling rested and good.

caninecologne said...

hi c- yes, the thought was there, but men really don't get. i would be so PO'd if my husband pulled that on me, good intentions and all.

i've never heard of a funeral cake before. should it be shaped like a skull or a coffin or something? :) have a nice dirt nap?

ha ha the word ver is:
luava

Uncivil said...

Haha.....your "women are like spaghetti" comment reminded me of a very bad joke I used to tell!!!LOL
I'll have to email it to you though.
Merry Christmas!

ρομπερτ said...

Music, able to continue where language ends.

Please excuse me for not leaving much a 'trail' - yet reading.

May you all have a wonderful and blessed Christmas.

Calfkeeper said...

Merry Christmas, happy New Year and all that. Sorry it has taken me so long to visit your site again.

I can so relate to this post. I'd feel the same way. But just to put it in perspective for me...be so thankful that he will watch LO at all. If I want "me" time I have to ask him to ask his mom if she will watch Ellen, because he won't. He will NOT even change her diaper. The only time he "watches" her is when he's in the house and I go out for maybe half hour to do chores.

That said, he does take her down to visit his mom every weekday afternoon to give me about 1 1/2 hour break. So that's not too bad.

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City girl moves to the country, falls in love, and marries a farmer. She tries to incorporate her city ways with her new country lifestyle and blogs to keep in touch with friends, family & students who live far, far away :) Can this city girl go country? Watch as she learns all sorts of exciting things about life on the farm and in a small rural community. *UPDATE* We are now parents! Our baby girl was born on Nov. 11, 2008 (at 28 weeks gestation- 12 weeks premature, but she's quite the trooper)!!!
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