Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Bikini Waxing

Contemplating whether or not to set up an appointment with the esthetician or to do it yourself? I remembered this funny e-mail my mom sent me last year. I think I even posted this one before, but it's just too funny that I'm going to post it again : ) After reading this, you're going to want to book that appointment...LOL!  Source unknown.

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Tell me this has never happened to you!!

Ultimate Waxing
Wax is not your friend!
CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair And now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play wit h the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right !! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......


japanmanpete said...

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahhaha!!! All in the name of beauty, mate! That was a brilliant post. Thanks for my laugh of the day.

ahappilymarriedmommy said...

OH MY GOD!!!!! that's horrific! But I think it has happened to all women at one point in their lives. Maybe not gluing their HOO-HAS shut, but you know what I mean. Remember when I tried to hot waz my legs and couldn't bear the pain so I left it there all winter> LOL I thikn I'll stick to shaving from now on.

Girlie Monkey said...

Oh my god! I haven't laughed this hard in a while! Sadly, you basically described my first and last experience with the "at home waxing kit"! Never again! I had the new appreciation for my razor after going through all of that ;-)

t said...

All I can say is OUCH!

mist1 said...

I stuck myself to my kitchen counter once. Yes, I know it's revolting that I was waxing myself in my kitchen, but I don't have a microwave in my bathroom, do you?

Chrissy121875 said...

Pete: I know, I know. Do men have to suffer to be beautiful too? LOL! Did you get your banofee pie?

AHMM: LOL! I remember that time! That wax was on you all winter!! It happened to me too (the wax on the leg all winter)...Shhhh! Don't tell anyone! ;p

Girlie Monkey: Oh, I know! I'm sticking to razors from now on! Actually, I've set up an appointment with the esthetician next week. I'm going to attempt the waxing thing again...but with the help of a professional! LOL!

T: Ouch is right! Remember when you tried to do above your upper lip? LOL! I thought you were going to have that green wax there forever :) Remember, we ended up scraping it off your face? OMG. The things we sometimes do...

Chrissy121875 said...

Mist1: HAHAHA! You are too funny!
PS. No, I don't have a microwave in my bathroom either! ;p

Anonymous said...

RLMFAO! Girl, that's too funny!

anonymous2 said...

although that was indeed funny, I have to say that I am a mom now and I do not do that anymore. I do not think women should feel that they need to wax or wear make up because they feel they need to live up to certain standards set by society.

doggy mama said...

That is so funny.

When my now-husband was coming to see me for a visit (he lived across the country at the time), I braved a bikini wax at a salon.


Never again.

And now he's lucky if I shave once a week!

ahappilymarriedmommy said...

What on earth? I'm a mom too, but I disagree with Anonymous #2. I don't think society forces women to get a bikini wax. The number of women who don't wax is probably a lot higher than those who do. I don't wax much because I don't have a lot of time to go to the salon, but I do shave. Although is some countries, arm pit hair is considered okay on women!

Miss Moneypenny said...

tee hee!! Can't say that I've ever had a mishap quite like that, but I agree - that wax certainly is...ummm...sticky!


Chrissy121875 said...

Anon1: I thought it was funny too. When my mom e-mailed it to me, I was howling! I really thought it was hilarious...mainly because I could relate to some of it.

Anon2: I agree that the media and society place a huge importance on appearance and beauty, but I don't necessarily think that removing unwanted hair is a bad thing. Every woman can choose whether she wants to remove unwanted hair or not. It's a personal choice. I just thought the story was funny.

Doggy Mama: LOL! It was that bad, eh?
BTW, I hope you're feeling better :) (not because of the bikini waxing, but because of the wisdom teeth! LOL!)

AHMM: Yes, I know you do! I remember you once told me that "just because you're a mom, doesn't mean you have to stop looking good." For the record: you always look good! LOL! Even when you walk the dog! You don't even wear make-up or anything fancy...maybe just a touch of lip gloss and mascara? But you always look "fresh" and you're an inspiration. I have to admit that I am guilty of not always looking made-up. I sometimes wear sweatshirts and yoga pants...and no make-up. I don't really care though :)

Miss Moneypenny: Sooooooooo happy to see you pop by! Smoochies!

japanmanpete said...

Miss Moneypenny, Halloooo! What new and exciting things are happening over there? How goes your shop?

sentimental me said...

You are so hilarious, Christine! I hope you don't mind, I printed the page and brought it over to my parents' place to show it to my Mom. They had some friends over for dinner and it became the topic of the whole evening. We have not laughed so much in a long time, even the men thought it was so funny and sympathized with what women have to go through.

Good one!

sharkey said...

Ugh! Ouch!

Chrissy121875 said...

Pete: Obsessive, are we? j/k! Miss Moneypenny hasn't checked in today :)

Sentimental: LOL! I'm happy everyone enjoyed it. It is quite a funny read, isn't it?

Sharkey: Ouch is right! LOL!

Anonymous said...

YEEEEOUCH! I'm so glad I'm not a woman.

Girlie Monkey said...

I just came back here to read a few more comments. Once I saw the comment by Anonimous#2, I had to say something.

The society doesn't force women to wear make up or wax. You can let yourself look like a caveman as much as you want to. We as women owe it to ourselves to spend a little quality time on our appearance. It doesn't matter if you are a mom or not! It's not the end of the world. i don't dress up or wear make up for anyone else but me!!!

Chrissy121875 said...

I'm with ya, Girlie Monkey :) I wear make-up and I do my hair and do things that are "girlie" just because it makes me feel good. I had a chat with a friend of mine who is a mom and she practically argued with me that I wear make up and look pretty because I feel it boosts my self-esteem. Uhhh...I'd like to think I know myself more than she knows me I don't buy stuff for myself at Victoria's Secret for Hubby. I buy stuff for me. I agree that a person should feel comfortable in her own skin, but taking care of yourself is very important too. I little bit of lip gloss and a nice hair cut (and yes...even waxing! LOL!) can make a girl feel like gold.

ahappilymarriedmommy said...

In college we used to say that "a girl knows she's going to get lucky when she shaves her legs!" LOL

I agree (once again) that just because a woman becomes a wife or a mom, it doesn't mean she should let herself go and not take care of herself. Believe me, I know that it is hard to look pretty when your covered in snot on spit up and baby food. I know that sometimes you just want to stay in jogging pants and a t-shirt all day and not wear make-up. Natural beauty is inside, but sometimes a little pick-me-up just perks your spirits up. Sorry Anon2.

ahappilymarriedmommy said...

One more thing while I'm on a roll! LOL I know for a fact that Chrissy and I have other mommy friends who take the time to freshen up and put on some mascara or lipstick. You don't have to become a frump when you become a mom. A lot of my friends look wonderful.

Chrissy I was upset to hear that your friend actually thinks that you dress up and put a little make-up on because she thinks you feel you need to do so to feel pretty. I'm going sound like a jerk and I know other commenters are going to slam me big time for this, but she must not feel good about herself if she feels she needs to say stuff like that.

Chrissy121875 said...

Whoa! Hello! What was intended as a light, funny post has turned into something more serious than I'd like :)

LOL @ AHMM! You're too funny. I heard the same thing when I was in university. All the girls used to say "I'm shaving my legs for tonight"...Now I get it! LOL! I just thought girls naturally shaved their legs.

Anyway, I can see your point of view on the primping and preening thing. I can also see Anon#2's. I'm not saying another word :) Can't we all just get along? ;p

PS. AHMM: I have no idea why that friend of mine was so set on women not wearing make-up and looking good. Weird.

anonymous2 said...

I still don't think women should feel they need to put make up on, do their hair, and dress up all the time. It just makes women fit into this mold of something others think they should be or look like. What ever happened to natural beauty and promoting that? High heels, lacy panties and bras...these are all for men to look at and fulfill their fantasies. They're not intended for women's enjoyment. They're not even comfortable.

Chrissy you're right though/ We're all entitled to our own opinions and I'm standing by mine.

Jocelyn said...

Yeouch. I used to use those hideous Sally Hansen strips to wax my upper lip. All I got was tears and a red lip. Best left to the professionals!!

For future reference, use cold water or ice. If you freeze wax, it will shrink, harden and chip off painlessly. This is also how you get candle wax off of candleholders. Stick in freezer. Unfortunately, hoo-has not detachables. :)

Multi-Testing Mommy said...

OMG I laughed out loud a few times when reading this! I had my first wax experiment when I was in residence - ya - NOT fun!

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