Tuesday, November 08, 2011

NaBloPoMo Day 8: The Outcast

Before I got married, I was one of the "single friends" amongst our group.  After I broke up with  my ex-boyfriend of five years, I vowed not to get into another relationship right away and that I'd take a break from dating. I didn't mind hanging out with my married friends, but when  you're between boyfriends - Oooh! Let me rephrase that! When you're between relationships, sometimes hanging out with lovey dovey couples is a bit hard to take. My friends were really great and I never really felt uncomfortable. There were usually one or two other single girlfriends we'd go out with anyway. It wasn't really that bad.

When I got married, we always had our friends over, went out with friends, had dinner at friends' houses, and did things as a group (like go for sleigh rides, go 4-wheeling, boating, etc). Single friends, couples, not-so-serious/just dating friends...We never thought much of it. We all just hung out together.

It was only until recently that I realized I was in a friend "category". I've been bumped to the "married friends" list for some of our friends. I don't know why it bothers me.

A friend wanted to go out and I couldn't. I felt so lame saying, "I can't meet up with you because it's kind of late and I have to put the toddler to sleep. My husband's not home." Yadda, yadda, yadda. There was a time when I used to be able to just pick up on a whim and be out the door in minutes. Can't do that anymore.

When you say no because of no childcare or because it's too late during the work week, then you eventually get blacklisted. The invitations stop coming because friends know you're going to say no. That's not always the case though. I really do want to meet up for a chat or just to hang out. It's just really difficult to get away sometimes.

I don't like to categorize my friends or put them in boxes. I hate thinking of friends as "my mommy friends" or "my single friends". At the same time, sometimes having a party with all of these friends doesn't always work. You have people talking about changing poopy diapers and others talking about which nightclub they danced at last night or what tunes the DJ was spinning. Sometimes it can get awkward when you have a room full of people of very different interests and in very different stages of life.

We're often defined in relation to others. I'm so and so's wife or I'm so and so's mother. I'm so and so's sister, daughter, friend, teacher.

I just want to be me. Yes. I'm all of the above, but I'm also me.


caninecologne said...

i once went to a meetup with some fellow sd foodbloggers. i was invited by someone i knew but it was for the pre-nuptial celebration of another blogger who i hadn't met yet. i was hesitant to go because i only knew 2 people (met in person) and the other 3 had never met but only knew through our blogs. i took the plunge and anti-social me actually showed up.

i felt so left out because i wasn't as "girly" as some of these ladies. i felt like i had an invisible muzzle because i didn't want to inadvertently offend anyone with my sarcastic and quirky comments. it was a torturous night to say the least.

i kind of felt like an outcast. most of the ladies were young (just turned 30 or early 30's) and were either newly married or single and none had kids or a kid. i felt like an old woman, even though i'm not, haha.

they invited me to a few other events but eventually stopped sending me the evites (i wasn't offended) because i never went. it's difficult, if not impossible for me to go out on a weeknight. i work at a school so i don't like going out on weekdays (unless it's friday) plus i have a kid. i'm not single or childless that i can just get up and go out and have drinks somewhere. these young 'uns have more freedom, but it's not something i even enjoyed doing when i was younger. bert and i usually hung out with our friends.

anyways, sorry, long answer to your post.

Kimberly said...

This is so true...
Only we are the only ones with a child so we get blacklisted from many functions...boo.
We've been bugging everyone to start making a friend for our Chunky...instead they just borrow him for a few hours than return him.
I should come up with a "no return/refund" policy.
Kidding I wouldn't dare..
Maybe ;)

Steph said...

I was the first to get pregnant and have kids, to get married and to buy a home. I've been blacklisted so long I don't even know if I have a group of friends. LOL And what is this going out thing you talk of?

C said...

An invisible muzzle! LOL! Too funny! You have the funniest sense of humour ever! You crack me up! I love that you aren't afraid to speak your mind and express your opinions. Love it! Had so much fun with you when you guys were visiting us on the Island!

Dee said...

Oh how I remember the days of being the "spinste" of my group. I was pretty much the last of my friends to get married and have kids. I remember at one point being so resentful when I did get invited to events ie, kids birthday parties, baby naming parties, showers...etc that I started giving super cheap presents just so they wouldn't invite me any more!
It is really hard for those on the outer circles of these groups to fit in! I just hope that when my kids go through this they won't feel as left out and resentful as i did!

C said...

LOL! No return/refund policy on the Chunkster! Too funny! OMG! I feel that way with mine sometimes too! :) LOL! Sending you lots of hugs! XOXOXO

C said...

"And what is this going out thing you talk of?" Hmmmm...I really don't know. I think it's something I sometimes *wish* I had! I live vicariously through others sometimes. Hubby and I haven't had a date night since before we had Little One - and she'll be turning 3 on 11/11/11! I *have* made a point to have Girls' Night with friends once a month, every month though. One night a month, we get together (we take turns hosting) and have delicious food, great wine, and lots of laughs. That's basically my one child-free evening. Somehow, it makes me feel recharged.

C said...

Yeah, it's rough. I remember those days! I remember going to dinner with you and your friends. I think you, Jodi and I were the only ones who were not married at the time. All I remember is that I thoroughly enjoyed countless Peach Bellinis that night! LOL!

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City girl moves to the country, falls in love, and marries a farmer. She tries to incorporate her city ways with her new country lifestyle and blogs to keep in touch with friends, family & students who live far, far away :) Can this city girl go country? Watch as she learns all sorts of exciting things about life on the farm and in a small rural community. *UPDATE* We are now parents! Our baby girl was born on Nov. 11, 2008 (at 28 weeks gestation- 12 weeks premature, but she's quite the trooper)!!!
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