Monday, February 23, 2009

Is This What A Nervous Breakdown Feels Like?


The phone has been ringing off the hook all day. The baby has been reeeeeeeeeally cranky since yesterday because her tummy has been bothering her. The fire in the wood stove died and I had to get fire wood. I can't get the darn fire going. Now the baby is screaming and the phone is still ringing. I haven't slept in 24 hours because I took Hubby's two shifts (diaper changing and bottle feeding expressed breast milk for baby. I breastfeed, but let Hubby give Little One a bottle so I can sleep a bit)) so Hubby could sleep since he had an early morning start for work today. The laundry is half done. There are dishes in the sink. Where did they come from? I thought I just did the dishes!

Another phone call. It's Hubby. He asks if we're okay.

NO! WE'RE NOT OKAY! I FEEL FRAZZLED, EXHAUSTED, OVERWHELMED...AM I LOSING MY MIND? I HAVEN'T SLEPT YET BECAUSE I LET YOU SLEEP. THE BABY IS NOT FEELING WELL. AM I HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN? AM I PULLING THE HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD? No to the last question. Maybe to the second to last one and yes to all of the rest.

Oh, and the public health nurse is on her way over in 15 minutes for Little One's routine visit!

I don't know how all of you moms do it. I'm exhausted...and I only have one baby! I totally respect all of you who can juggle kidS, work, home, and everything in between...and not get bent out of sorts! I was hoping to have ESL students again this summer, but how am I ever going to be able to breathe with all of this lack of sleep on top of everything else? Will I ever get to that place where things get easier? I know Little One isn't feeling well, so t won't always be like this. She is typically a very easy baby. I feel like a bad mom because I ended up giving her a bottle today. She was frustrated because she wasn't feeling great. I was frustrated because I'm tired. The combination made breastfeeding very difficult. I succumbed and bottle fed her (breast milk, of course).

**Updated**

The public health nurse just left. Good news: Little One is now 6 lbs, 11 oz and 48 cm. As per her assessment, Little One is developmentally "on track". Though she is 3.5 months old (she's only supposed to be 21 days old because she was born 2 months early), the feedback from the developmental screen puts Little One at where a 4 month old term baby would be.
I feel better now. I'm still tired though!

WAIT! Before you go...
This is what Little One and I look like at 4AM! Despite the sleep deprivation from last night, I can't help but kiss Little One all over. I love my little munchkin.

Even when she does this to me:For a little preemie, the kid has got a strong grip!

P.S. Just in case anyone asks why I'm blogging and not napping right now... I'm multi-tasking. One-handed typing and nursing a cranky baby = a very difficult skill for me to master. *sigh*

21 comments:

Veronica said...

I just emailed you :)

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Mom advice? NO ESL STUDENT THIS SUMMER. Just too much.

And in my experience, these times come along far too often. You'll have a good few days, or week, and then she'll get a tooth, or an ear infection, or a tummy upset, who knows. And then her rest is thrown off, which means YOURS is thrown off. The best advice I could give you is to try to recruit some help. Do you have any friends or neighbors who could take her for a few hours on days like this, when you take hubby's shift of feeding, etc.? Someone that could sit with her in the other room so you can just unplug the phone and SLEEP? If not, it might be worth it to try to hire someone you trust. Or else, don't trade shifts with your husband like that. It's too much, and while you THINK you'll be sleeping while the baby sleeps, we all know that that just doesn't happen as much as we want it too, with the crying and the phone and the laundry and the dishes. Sigh.

No one could handle this any better than you. You just need some sleep and some help, if you can get it. We've all been there, hon, and it SUCKS.

AND, yay for little one! She rocks!

jan said...

I think the sorriest mommies are the ones who hold it in and never complain because they want us all to think they are supermoms. i wish I'd had a blog to get it out instead of going psycho on a regular basis.

lisaschaos said...

It's so great to see you on here from time to time again! And I'm so glad she's doing so well! :) You two are totally cute! You'll get into a routine and feel like juggling a few yourself. :)

Autumn's Mom said...

I agree with J. UNPLUG THE PHONE. Turn it off or whatever. And don't try to take on more than you can handle. We all want to be super mommies (and super women for that matter) in our head and we put the most pressure on ourselves to be THAT mom. You are going to have lots of ups and downs. and lots of sleepless nights/days. Don't be afraid to let the people around you know you need help. How I wish we all lived on that island with you, you'd be fighting us all off for a turn with that beautiful baby! xoxo

Anonymous said...

You have mail on Facebook!
Steph

Cherry said...

She is so advanced! See... she just has to be early at EVERYTHING! Little over achiever, wonder where she gets that from?

I feel the same way about the dishes and the laundry and the piles of mail and I don't even have a little one.

You really are amazing, and don't you think you are cheating anyone by giving her a bottle.

fancypansy said...

Glad she is doing so well.

Yeah, when it is good it is so good, and when it is hard it is so hard. Be glad if your LO is usually pretty easy. My babies are as well, and on the days they aren't, I have a new appreciation for moms with colicky babies.

Let go of the whatever you don't have to do, don't answer the phone or even worry about it when you are in the middle of something, let the dishes go and clean them as you need them until you have time to do it properly.

Being overwhelmed will be your constant condition for a while now. Sorry! It does get better though...so does one handed typing!

Oh, and what is this "shift" you speak of? Your husband takes shifts? Nice. Not that Adam could, since I don't even have a bottle in the house! I hate pumping and would rather do all the night stuff than deal with a pump and bottles!

word verificaiton: bastro

Audrey - Mom Generations said...

Chrissy...
OMG! I wish I could hug you at this moment! I'm off to email you!
xoxoxoxoxoxo

caninecologne said...

OMFG! i can' believe you're blogging! girl, sleep when the baby sleeps! do you have any neighbors that can watch the baby just for an hour or two while you sleep? maybe someone to helpyou clean up? don't try to do it all yourself or you will go nuts. i say that from experience.

and like the other ladies said, unplug the phone. people will understand and if they don't, then they suck.

awwwww - look at her chubby little fingers clutching strands of your hair! i remember those days! that is so cute, but painful memories.

word ver -
ausalnes

BeachMama said...

You will get through it, don't worry. We all have days like that even when we are on our second children and they aren't babies anymore. The rest of us just aren't as brave as you are to admit it ;). If if makes you feel better, I had that day two weeks ago. I am still recovering, but today was a good day, despite my cold.

Rosie : ) said...

Dishes are nto supposed to be in the sink? Laundry is not supposed to be in the dirty laundry baskets? Hmm, who knew. ;) lol I constantly have dishes in the sink and laundry in the baskets! It just means we live in our house, not a museum, right? ;) And it does get done someday.


Sending love your way. :)

XOXO

Jeanna said...

The hair pulling is always a crowd pleaser, lol.
She is really looking like you and little bro, don't you think?

Palm Springs Savant said...

keep calm and cool. deep breaths and yes, forget about that pesky phone!

Jackie said...

my opinion, do what you can to cope and then you are doing a fantastic job!

Bubba said...

Hey sis... I hear you on the no sleep. The twins (thanks Ma for helping us out the last couple of days) don't sleep very well. TO top it off KGFTL has been waking up in the middle of the night yelling "DADDY!!!"... I've found out that I'm actually able to tune out the crying for extended periods of time. Considering all they want to do is cry and a feed, burp and diaper change won't change the situation... well I let them cry. The other night I had a crying babies in each arm and a crying toddler hanging onto my leg... so I just stood in front of the TV and watched a show. Eventually everyone settled down and at some point I didn't even hear the crying anymore LOL.

Sis, get sleep while you can and eventually you'll get to the point where instead of crying it'll be some other cute little nuisance-time grab like "daddy markers!" or "daddy book!"

Then you'd be like, man i wish you were still an infant so I could just let you cry instead of drawing/reading/playing. Don't get me wrong I do that with the boy, it's just that I don't 8 hours a night to do that with him...

Shiny Green Penny said...

hahaha - LOVE your post!!! I have been LOSING it all week - and my hubby went away on the weekend and left no firewood in the house! I wasn't speaking to him for quite some time over that one - it usually takes me a whole day to get the fire relit! So, I totally sympathize....I, myself, have been considering just running away from home the past couple of days. No, not really, but at 3 am I sometimes fantasize about it. hahaha. And breastfeeding is actually the reason that I took up blogging - all true! I spent so much time sitting here with my babe "eating", that I decided to put the time to good use. I have become VERY proficient at one-handed typing. Good luck!

Mrs. Mogul said...

Love the little hand clutching hair! My baby is always doing that!!

C said...

Veronica:
THANK YOU! I'm actually saving that e-mail for future reference...when I run into days like the one I had a few days ago! Thank you. I feel much better.

J:
I was kind of thinking that too. I've also been told that babies have their on and off days. I guess she was having an off day.
GREAT advice. I'm going to have to unplug the phone or turn the ringer off. If I let the answering machine get the missed calls, then we can always call back. Hubby also said that if whoever called really needed to talk to us, they could always call back.
Thanks so much, J. XOXO

Jan:
Now that you've mentioned it, blogging really does help in situations like these. It's great to be able to draw from the experiences of other moms and to have a support network out there. It's also a good place to vent! :)

C said...

Lisa:
Thanks for the sweet comment :) Oh, I don't think we look cute though! She does, but I just look tired! No make-up! Then again, at 4AM I don't normally look great anyway! LOL!

AM:
You are so right. Oh, and so sweet too! I wish you guys were closer too! Love ya tons! You always know how to make me feel better!

Steph:
Got the message! Thanks sooooooo much!!! You are so sweet. I cannot believe it's been so long since we last saw each other! I still laugh when I think about the things we used to do when we were kids! Now we have kids of our own! Wow. Hey, we're in Montreal for a wedding in May. Perhaps we can meet up and you can meet Little One in person :)
I was looking at our pictures from grad, and we don't look that much different! We all look the same, only just a bit older! Too funny! XO

C said...

Cherry:
Yeah, it KILLED me to give her a bottle. I sooooooooo wanted to breastfeed exclusively. That was my ultimate goal. I still breastfeed 98% of the time and when she does get a bottle, it is breast milk. Still, having been so frustrated and exhausted, giving her the bottle was just about the only thing I could do. Luckily for me, she still loves the breast. Funny how I feel horribly about so many things that I would never have thought about before. Ex: Giving her A bottle a day or not having been able to carry her to term. I feel sad that I never got to be 9 months pregnant. I guess I should just be thankful for the blessings we do have and not feel guilty or badly about the things we have no control over.

Fancy:
Great tips! You are so right about letting go of things that don't need immediate attention.

Ah, yes. The night shift! I tried BF exclusively for a month but was never getting any sleep. I didn't even get a chance to nap because at that time she was feeding almost every hour or every other hour. The doc said she was probably going through a growth spurt. Thankfully that turned into every 3 hrs. We decided that Hubby would be able to give her A bottle at night so I could sleep. We're getting into a routine now and it seems to be working. Hubby also gets to bond with his daughter. He did mention once that he was sort of envious of the special bond I get to have with LO. I believe his words were "Don't you know how lucky you are? That time you spend BF LO is something only you and LO have together."

Ultimately, my goal was to BF exclusively, but I'll take those 3 hrs of sleep if Hubby is offering! I do still feel kind of guilty about that bottle she gets, but I do realize that I need to be able to function during the day when she needs me too. *sigh*

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City girl moves to the country, falls in love, and marries a farmer. She tries to incorporate her city ways with her new country lifestyle and blogs to keep in touch with friends, family & students who live far, far away :) Can this city girl go country? Watch as she learns all sorts of exciting things about life on the farm and in a small rural community. *UPDATE* We are now parents! Our baby girl was born on Nov. 11, 2008 (at 28 weeks gestation- 12 weeks premature, but she's quite the trooper)!!!
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