Monday, November 24, 2008

Attachment Issues

Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit of a freak when it comes to my daughter. I just don't want to leave her for too long. I'm at the hospital a bit after 7AM and don't get home until sometimes 8PM or later. Does this qualify as having attachment issues?

I just gave birth to the Little One two weeks ago and part of me feels like it never really happened. It happened so fast and then all of a sudden I was discharged from the hospital and had to commute back and forth every day to see my baby. Several people have told me that I don't even look like I just had a baby. Funny, because I don't even feel like I just had a baby. I never had time to process anything. I feel like I've been dropped in the middle of the ocean and have been forced to swim. Part of me envies moms who have "term" babies and stay in the hospital for a day or two and then get to go home with their babies. They get to be with their babies and they get to be home with their babies! Me? I get to commute to and from the hospital every day and bond with my breast pump every two hours.

Okay, I do get to spend quality time with my daughter. The nurses let me have cuddle time with her. Lately they've been letting me hold her for over an hour if she's having a good day. It's the best feeling in the world to just hold your baby and listen to all the funny noises she makes.

Oh, and the only clothes I have with me since I was on hospital bed rest for several weeks are my maternity clothes (which are now being held up by safety pins). I told Hubby that when he comes to visit us, he needs to bring my pre-pregnancy clothes (otherwise I'll go shopping...and the Eaton Center is only a 15 min walk from the hospital)! I've lost 14 lbs since I delivered the Little One. I don't know if it's because:
A) I've shed some pregnancy weight
B) I've been running on almost no sleep
C) I haven't had much of an appetite (Don't worry. I am eating enough because I am pumping for the baby)
D) I've been pumping every 2 hrs
E) I've been commuting (lots of walking and running to catch the bus and subway)
F) All of the above

Speaking of attachment issues, the Little One hit another milestone, but is struggling with an attachment of her own. Not only has she received her "Official Kilo Club Membership Card" (preemies get a Kilo Club card every time they reach a kilo!), but today she moved up to full feed )14 cc of milk every 2 hrs) AND she got her IV line removed! Yay! No more IV! I hate IVs! However, she still has to wear her CPAP and she still needs her NG tube until she learns how to suck, swallow, breathe on her own. The Little One was on room air for 2 hrs but then got tired and ended up forgetting to breathe. It's tough for a preemie to remember to breathe. They're not supposed to have mastered that yet. The Little One still needs her CPAP. In fact, she hates it when her CPAP is off. I guess it's sort of like a security blanket for her too. In many ways, even though it may annoy her sometimes, it's easier for her to breathe with it.

I wasn't expecting her to be off her CPAP and NG tube anytime soon anyway. She is 2 weeks old and was born 12 weeks premature, after all!

I learned something interesting from the doctors today. Because the Little One was born 12 weeks before her due date, she is technically not supposed to be outside of the womb yet. This means that developmentally, she is 3 months behind most "term" babies (babies born at around 40 weeks gestation + or - 2 weeks). It makes sense though, since she was supposed to do a lot of her developing inside the womb for the next 3 months. In other words, when she is 3 months old, she'll be like a 1 month old. It really does make sense, since she'll be playing catch up for a while. Oh, the Little One seems to like doing things early, so hopefully she'll be okay. The docs have said she looks great so far and it doesn't seem like she will have any problems developmentally. Everyone keeps telling me that she is a very strong little girlie and that she is tolerating feeds well and is growing nicely. She even grew in length since birth. She was 34 cm long at birth and is now 39 cm long!


Cherry said...

What an exhausting life you are leading right now.. oh wait, you're a parent and parenting IS exhausting (you know, so I hear!)

You know, I have a feeling that your little girl is getting a whole lot of her strength from you. You are giving her so much of yourself right now (and I'm betting you will likely continue this trend). While she eats every 2 hours, please don't forget to feed yourself. You are running on fumes right now, and that little girlie is going to need your strength to continue. Please don't forget to breath.

So... did you go see Twilight? (you know, between pumping and visits?)

J at said...

She'll likely "behind" developmentally for a few years, probably about 2 - 3 months behind. No worries, she'll catch up WAY before she goes to school. I'm just as advanced as those 2 months older than me. ;) Just don't let any competimommies you run into, bug you, ok?

I'm proud of her for doing so WELL. And I'm proud of you for how well you're doing, too. You're both awesome.

Veronica said...

I think someone said the catch-up lasts until the little ones are 2, then it doesn't matter as much because 2 year olds have a huge developmental range.

And nope, I don't think you have attachment issues at all!

Palm Springs Savant said...

OK, FIRST OF ALL, a heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS again to you. I've been so rushed of late that I've not taken the time to send you my best wishes!

hang in there, she'll be with you in short order!

Rosie : ) said...

You think you have attachment issues? don't be silly! Normally, she WOULD have been attached to you, inside of you, for a few more months. So technically, what you are feelign has to be completely normal. Even Moms with full-term babies have "attachment issues". I held my babies for the first three months of life, easily. Everyone told me I was spoiling them... how can you ever love your child enough? My kids are well-adjusted "despite" the fact that I had them with me in my arms all the time! lol

Keep cuddling your little one. Keep doing what feels natural to you ~ you are a great Mom. Your love for her will only mature and grow, so brace yourself for the seperation that occurs once you leave the hospital for the night. You *know* you'll be back there in the morning. :)

The advantage to having her so early is that you get to know her much faster than most Moms. At this point, we were only saying "Oh, the baby kicked" You get to tell us what she doing right now. What a blessing. :)

As for the being behind schedule... I do think some babies are more affected than others. Your Little One seems to be ahead of schedule for labour and everything. She might just surprise you. ;) Sidenote: I've known some very preemie babies who you wouldn't know were preemie. The doctors and nurses really know how to deal with this.

Lastly: C... YOU NEED TO REST. It sounds so ridiculous, with the amount of stress, hormones and sleep-deprivation you are going through, but you have to try to relax a bit. Your body had a baby, even if you don't feel like it, your body does. It needs proper time to heal. Running yourself ragged will not be beneficial. :( And it makes us worry about you even more. We want you to be well, and your daughter to be healthy as well.

Love from TellingMom & Brood. xoxo

Sharon - Mom Generations said...

Little One is thriving on your love... and the love that you and Hubby poured into her long before she was even conceived. She knows this. She feels it. She is living proof of LOVE made visible.

She IS love...

mrs.McKenzie said...

You've got a beautiful little girl and I'm so happy that everything seems to be going well. Just remember to take care of yourself too because after all, your Little One has a team of people looking after her and you only have YOU!! Get some rest and just enjoy every second you have with her. Things will settle down before you know it and one day you'll look back and think how you just did what you had to do. It's all worth it!! Take care, and can't wait till you and Little One can come home. (Hopefully by the time my Little One arrives) You're doing a GREAT job.

merinz said...

Your Little One is doing very well - thanks to your care and attention too - not just the medical staff. There is no attachment issue! She needs you.

C said...

LOL! I've been told that the rest of my life will be filled with restless sleeps and worries about the little one :)

You're right about needing to remember to breathe! I'll try :)

No, I haven't had a chance to see Twilight yet :( I'll be seeing it with Fancy Pantsy sometime within the next few weeks, hopefully. That'll make for a good distraction :) The social worker at the hospital who deals with parents of babies in the NICU told me I NEED to have some "me time" and do something fun once in a while.

Have you seen it yet?

C said...

Thanks, J. It IS something I worry about, but like Hubby always says, "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere". I can only hope that she is healthy and continues to grow and develop as she is. Whatever obstacles we run into in the future, we'll have to deal with them when we get there.

I've been hearing more and more stories of preemies who have turned out well. She seems to be doing great, so let's hope she keeps on impressing the doctors :)

C said...

I just want to thank you sooooooooooo much for being such a great support. You, Cherry, J, and everyone else have been so amazing. I really appreciate all your support and encouragement. You're definitely one of the best blog buddies evahhhhhh!! ;) muuuuuuuah!

C said...

Thanks so much :) I am sooooooo sorry I haven't been around everyone's blogs lately. I'll hop on over soon. I promise! XOXO

C said...

You are so right about everything you said. BTW, I'll have to e-mail you the number where I'm staying at. Hopefully when the dust settles a bit, we'll be able to catch up on the phone.

You and Jamie will be doing the Little One's first photo shoot, right? :) XOXO

Rosie : ) said...

Heck ya! You better not let anyone with a fancy-dancy schmancy camera even TRY to get close to that darling. ;)

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City girl moves to the country, falls in love, and marries a farmer. She tries to incorporate her city ways with her new country lifestyle and blogs to keep in touch with friends, family & students who live far, far away :) Can this city girl go country? Watch as she learns all sorts of exciting things about life on the farm and in a small rural community. *UPDATE* We are now parents! Our baby girl was born on Nov. 11, 2008 (at 28 weeks gestation- 12 weeks premature, but she's quite the trooper)!!!
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