Everyone warned me that having a baby is a very emotional experience. Friends, family members, other moms in general would tell me that it was expected to get teary eyed sometimes. Boy, were they ever right!
I won't lie. I am having an extremely difficult time right now. I was discharged from the hospital yesterday and walking out of the hospital without my baby was definitely the most difficult moment for me. I spent most of the day with her in the NICU (except for when I was pumping and speaking with and getting checked by my doctors and nurses). I just didn't want to leave my baby girl. Whenever I think of being apart from that sweet little baby, I just break down in tears.
I know she is in the best care possible and the team at Mt. Sinai are truly amazing. It's just still very hard for me. In the next weeks/months to come I will be commuting back and forth to the hospital to spend my days with her.
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I think the combination of your hormones raging, which they have to be right now, and having to do a VERY DIFFICULT THING, is much harder on you than anyone can handle. Not that you can't handle it...you're strong, and you have your family's love and support to help you through. But you can't be stoic about it, and no one could expect you to. Go ahead and cry as much as you need to. The shower is the best place for me to cry, I don't know why.
I have had two similar (and yet so different) experiences this year...leaving Alaska with my mom still unconscious after her surgery, and every time I went to visit and left her behind in the care facility in Sacramento. It felt wrong. It was wrong. Families belong TOGETHER. But it was the way it had to be.
You'll get through this, hon, and you'll have so much time to hold your little angel, this will seem like just a bad dream.
Hang in there, it is a difficult time for you, but it will get better!
C, That Has To Be The Hardest Thing, Being Away From Your Baby. I Wish There War Something I Could Do For You! She Is So Sweet! I Will Keep Praying For Your Little One And You And Your Hubby! -J
Oh sweetie! I wish there was something I could do to make it easier (magically teleport you to her everyday so that you don't have to commute?).
Hang in there! She will be home before you know it! Then you'll wonder how she grew so fast~
Aww, C, it sounds very difficult! I cannto imagine having to be away from your baby so soon.
our hearts are with you during this tough time.
It is so very difficult to leave the hospital without your baby. I know. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I just remember crying and crying... and everything made it worse. I know this sounds kind of funny now, but when I went home without Audrey, my mom and my mother-in-law were at my house when my husband brought me home. I was recovering from a Cesarian delivery, so I was still in a great deal of physical as well as emotional pain. I remember sitting on a kitchen chair... and then noticing dust bunnies under our kitchen sink. Well, I burst into tears and kept saying, "How come none of you mopped up the dust bunnies?" No-one knew what to do with me... and I remember the feeling of being helpless to everyone and everything.
Of course... that time passed very quickly. But when you're in it, it seems like an eternity. Just know that your feelings and emotions are so real... and so natural. I wish I could take you back in a time machine to show you that I felt just like you... and then show you how one day your baby birdie will be in her 30's! Be very easy on yourself and know how deeply we all feel for you and how we know the raw pain of leaving your precious little girl...
J:
That's true. I remember you writing about your mom and having to deal with her surgery and leaving her behind. You are so right about it feeling so wrong. It just feels so very wrong for me to be apart from my baby girl. I can't believe she is already 4 days old. Though I've been spending A LOT of time at the NICU with her, it's not the same as having her with me all the time.
Thank you for being so supportive. You've been a tremendous help. XO
Palm Springs Savant:
Thanks, Rick :) I know you are right. It just seems all so overwhelming right now. One day at a time, right?
J:
Thank you for following the blog and for leaving me messages :) When I get back to the Island after the little one gets bigger and stronger, we will have to meet up :)
Veronica:
Thank you :) You are so sweet. I remember the day I found your blog and we started corresponding. I told you that I was aiming for at least 32 weeks gestation. Well, who would have thought she would arrive at 28 weeks???
The hospital has a program for families to stay at the Ronald McDonald House for $15/night and it's at 5min walk from the hospital. I think it's a good idea, but Hubby thinks it would be best that I stay with family even with the commute because at least I'll be with people. I think he's worried I'll be spending all my time at the hospital and by myself.
It's been a draining past few days and I think things are starting to catch up with me. I'm exhausted. Between being in the NICU with my baby and pumping every 2 hrs (my milk finally came in yesterday!!!), I am beat!!! I'd love to sleep in but feel like I need to be at the hospital with the baby as much as I can.
Shannon:
Thank you. Someone else told me that the other day. I'm hoping you are right :) I think I need to focus on what I need to do "today" and not "what is going to happen in 12 weeks?" or "how am I going to manage the next 12 weeks?". It's hard though.
Rosie:
Thank you. I know this will be a difficult process and the little one will have her good days and not so good days. I'm TRYING to take things one day at a time but it is hard. I just want to be with her all the time. She is so sweet and so precious. I love her so much. I love the way her little lower lip quivers when she's upset or just about to cry. Leaving her at night is the hardest thing for me.
Sharon:
Thank you for sharing your story about Audrey with me. It makes me feel better knowing how well that turned out for you guys.
Thanks for your support and wisdom. I actually REALLY needed this tonight. XO
C, I think the experience you've gone through has made it so much more emotional...especially since you're having to leave the hospital without your baby girl. That must be so difficult, I cannot imagine.
We all know it's the best for her now, but it still must break your heart. Aside from all the physical changes you yourself are going through, and the exhaustion of everything. That in itself can bring on the tears. I remember early on with both kids, I would just cry for "no" reason too. But this is a stressful time for you, it's OK to let yourself cry and relieve the stress a bit that way. It is only natural.
I'm glad at least that you have options and family that live not too far, so you really aren't alone. And although a lot of us aren't there with you physically, we certainly are in spirit, all supporting you through this. Please don't feel alone.
(PS, I spoke with your Aunt at the gym - hadn't seen her in AGES and she mentioned that she'd been to see baby and how utterly sweet she is!)
I feel like crying with you sweetie. It is wrong. but soon, it will be right and you'll be home on the island with hubby and your cute little girl. sigh. Pass the tissues. xoxo One day at a time :)
Maybe you could split your time between Ronald McDonald house and family? That way you can have alone time when you need it, but also have nights where you are surrounded by family and support? Would that work?
Yay for your milk coming in! I hope you have no supply issues AT ALL and that the little one takes to the breast as soon as she is strong enough.
Remember though, you need to take care of yourself too. Taking an extra hour to sleep will do you the world of good in the long run. Plus? You just had a baby! You need time to recover too!
Oh and here, I read this blog all the time and when I went through her archives a while back I read this post. Thought you might like to read it to.
A Little Pregnant - Baby in the Nicu
Hi C. I feel for you, but hang in there *love*
C
Yeah...what J said in her first paragraph!...I certainly can't give any advice on this subject, but I like to come here and read yout posts and loving comments from everyone.
I've only been blogging since 2006 and sometime I wonder if our blogs will continue 10 to 20 years or more.
If it does?......It will be so neat for your darling baby girl to come back here and read her birth stories some 20 years from now!
I'll probably be in a rest home by then...dawg gone it?LOL!!!
Hugs to ya C and your beautiful little early bird.
It will get better, hon'. Just think how much sweeter it will be when your new family is finally together.
My heart and my love is with you and that gorgeous little GIRL!!! I am so filled with happiness for you... and reading this post from you made my heart ache. I know how hard it can be those first few weeks... please know you have people out here thinking of you and loving you. Vent to us. Cry with us. Laugh with us. Share with us. My love to your family,Audrey
Karen:
So true. I think it's all in perspective really. I keep having to tell myself that this is only 12 weeks or so and she can be back home with us. The NICU is the best place for her right now and as much as I want to be with her all the time and have her with me, she needs the care she gets there. It won't be that bad...It won't be that bad...(keep telling that to myself) LOL!
Funny...the word verification is mailkman...which sounds an awful lot like milkman, which makes me think of milk and that seems to be the only thing I'm doing apart from being with the baby! LOL!
It is the most difficult thing to leave your baby in the hospital and go home try to sleep or pump.I am crying with you right now.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.I only had to do it for 2 weeks and every day was emotional.
Hooray for your milk coming in...it takes longer when baby isn't directly sucking but it will be easier to pump now.Keep her picture near you and something with her smell for nighttime pumping.
One day at a time C or even one hour at a time.
(my word verification is scentin - her scent with make pumpin' easier and they say to leave somethign of yours for baby too)
Go ahead and cry, you are totally allowed to do it. Even though you know it is best for her to be there, it must be the toughest thing in the world to leave her. Your Mommy instincts have kicked in in high gear, that is a good thing!